I wanted a drink...

I had family come in from out of town this weekend which was a lot of fun.  I felt like I could be myself, which lately is pretty quiet and very manic-happy at moments.  It was relaxing to a point.  I unfortunately had to spend time with my evil sister, who has got to be the most pretentious person on the planet.  She was civil to me and maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive to her bitchy antics, but she seemed just a bit less nice to me than to everyone else.  I don't think I'm imagining it.  I'm glad the weekend is over if only because that means I don't have to see her for a few days.

We went to a basketball game on Friday night and my cousins and sister all got beers.  I sat next to my cousin with his beer and the smell of it was so intoxicating.  Beer was never even my drink of choice, but I was just so entranced with this beer.  It was driving me crazy.  So, I need to double-dose the AA meetings this week.  I think I need some extra help especially since it's the holidays and it's hard for me to be around others while they are drinking and I clearly cannnot.

I've been having daily headaches/migraines for about 2 months.  It is really wearing on me.  I take loads of Tylenol, motrin, and excedrin migraine and nothing seems to help.  I don't know what to do.  My neurologist has basically had it with me since he knows I abuse meds and since he's tried everything he can try.  He says I need to seek out other methods like massage or accupuncture, but what he doesn't know is that I am on a very limited fixed income and can't afford methods like that.  I don't know what to do.  It's like pain is coming at me from several different angles and I feel very ill-equipped to deal with it.

It's been a long time...

I haven't written since June.  That's been partially on purpose and partially just because I have been unable to.

In June, everything came out-my drug abuse and continued cutting.  The straw that broke the camels' back, was when I got so stressed at work that I took a pair of scissors into the ladies room and just started cutting.  The next day my mother took me to the hospital.

I stayed at the hospital for 5 weeks.  It seems like so long ago and I feel a bit like a different person from then.  I met some amazing people-people that even if I don't see them ever again, I will still count them as friends.  One such friend was Carolina.  She got me to come out of my shell a little bit and actually start talking about the things that were bothering me.  She was released, but came back in and we became roommates.  She was my hospital bff.  We have since lost touch.  I pray for her often, and hope that she is ok. 

I went through several different sets of meds in the hospital before they found one that diminished my desire for suicide.  I got to go home then, and at that point it was already August!  My birthday month!  I came home to not knowing if my parents would let me stay-my dad had said that I had already been given so many chances-but I was allowed to stay and started a partial hospitalization program.  I went 5 days a week, all day, and had group therapy.  It was intense to say the least.  I was in that program for 8 weeks.  I made some friends through there that I still stay in touch with. 

Today, I feel ok.  I had to switch meds after being in the hospital (allergic reaction), and now I'm on Zyprexa, which I hate.  I have gained 20 pounds and feel ugly as sin.  My acne has reared it's ugly head as a result of the meds too.  I'm 30 years old!  Aren't I a little young for stretch marks, and a little old for acne?  I guess not. 

I persuaded my mom to let me go off the Zyprexa (as a trial I told her) to see if I could lose some weight and feel a little better.  I have just felt depressed and off kilter since Thanksgiving.  This is my favorite time of year!  What's the problem?  I can't put my finger on it.  Today was a good day.  I am hoping for more of the same tomorrow.

Having a tough time

I've made it through my third week of work, but just barely.  My mental situation is quickly deterioriating.  I have been hearing voices, I have a desire to run my car off the road while I'm driving, I want to start cutting again, and I've been od'ing and mixing meds.  Everyday I wake up for work and despite all of my cute outfits to wear and my new makeup and the great new people that I get to meet, I dread going into work.  I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I can hardly stand it.  It starts from the moment I wake up until the minute I go to bed.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with that same sense of dread and think of things I have to do during the next day. 

I saw my anxiety therapist two weeks ago and she wasn't really able to tell me much, other than to embrace the anxiety and let it happen.  This doesn't work for me.  I need to do something to get rid of it and be able to rest well at night and work comfortably during the day.  I went to my psychiatrist on Wednesday and had a panic attack in his office.  Tears and everything.  He told me that since my urges to hurt myself were strong and I was mixing meds, he thought I needed to be in the hospital.  That made me freak out even more and I told him no.  He said his concern was that I would end up like Michael Jackson or Heath Ledger, because they were mixing meds and that's how they met their ends.  I don't mean to kill myself, I just need to find a way to be able to live without the voices and the crippling anxiety.  That's why I've been self-medicating.

So, I've made it through the weekend.  The anxiety has been present the whole time.  Even when I was with my boyfriend.  I feel like I have to put on a happy face for him all the time, even though he knows everything about me.  It's just hard to feel like I have to be all things to all people, you know?

This week I have to determine whether or not I'll be able to keep this job.  I think I also need to go back to my shrink and get something else that works medicine wise.  I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday.  I hope that I can wait until then.

I made it

So, I made it through my first week of work, but just barely!!  I was, and still am an absolute nervous-wreck about this job.  I feel like I totally don't know what I'm doing.  I know that's probably normal, since I'm not supposed to know what I'm doing.  I am really good with the interpersonal skills piece, and the management piece, but here's what I'm not good with.  I was sort of thrown to the wolves in terms of not being trained.  The person I replaced immediately took on her new job so she hasn't really had time to train me, which is understandable.  I just feel like I don't know how to structure my day.  I definitely don't know the computer systems, where all the people are, where they belong, what their schedules, where the different departments are within the organization, who the key players are, or even what I'm going to be rated on within 90 days.  I'm so freaked out that I'm not going to do a good job.  I guess I don't really have anything to lose though.  I'm still going to be maintaining my disability payments, which is a good thing.  So, if I'm fired, I'll still have that as a backup.  Do you think I'll get fired?  Part of me really believes that I will.  I don't know if that's my negative self-esteem kicking in or what.

I went in on Saturday to work on a project that I had promised myself I would finish on Friday.  Unfortunately I just had too many fires to put out on Friday.  So I went in this weekend and made a huge to-do list for Tuesday.  I felt good about getting the project done, and cleaning off my desk.  But now that I know that I have to go back to work tomorrow, I have the butterfly feeling back.  I think that it is partly a good feeling, but partly a really overwhelmed and just scared feeling.  I don't know how to combat it.  I hope that it will go away the longer that I work there.  I just don't know though.  Maybe knowledge is power and will breed confidence.  I certainly hope so.  I am trying to create a feng shui work environment.  I am also desperately trying to remember all of the people that I work with, but there are just too many-over 200!!  I can't possibly be expected to remember all of those names and faces, can I?  I also have the worst memory ever, because of the ECT.  It's going to take a lot of practice to get things back to normal I think and I've been working on it for over a year now.  I just wish I could stop shaking.

Things are better with the bf.  We are having more open communication which is good.  We've been seeing each other for two months now.  It seems like so much longer just because we've already said I love you, and we seem to know each other's darkest secrets, at least I hope that I know his darket secret!  Last night he met my parents and I think it went pretty well.  He is painfully shy, so he didn't talk too much, but when my parents asked him direct questions he answered pretty well, I think.  A few nights ago he told me that he wasn't dating just to date, he was dating because he wanted to get married.  And last night he said that he hated being apart from me-that he missed me when we weren't together.  My sister thinks he'll propose soon.  I don't really know how I feel about this.  I know that I miss him when we're not together too, and I wish we could be together all the time.  BUT-he's got this huge issue that needs to be totally taken care of before I think about the happily ever after part.  It's a dealbreaker, that's for sure.  Plus, I want to have all of my ducks in a row too.  I would be happy to be engaged now, but I wouldn't want to be married until my health was totally ok-meaning that I have to stop hearing voices first.  I have been hearing them for about two weeks now.  I am not sure if it's stress or what, but it's driving me crazy.  They aren't saying the bad things like they usually do, but still...it's unsettling.  I also want to be settled in my job before I get married.  Then again, I'm probably getting totally ahead of myself.  He probably doesn't even want to marry me.  We'll see I guess.

That's all for now. 

Feeling good and bad at the same time

I've had a bit of good news!!  I got a job!!  It's my first real job in over two years.  I'll be back in corporate America, managing people again.  I'll have my own office and an assistant!  I can hardly believe it. I'll be making money and contributing to society.  It hardly seems real.  Tomorrow is my first day.  I feel so excited but so nervous at the same time.  Will I do a good job?  Will I live up to the image I sold at the interview?  Will I be able to withstand the stress?  I think that is the most pressing question at the time, really.  It's going to be a big change from staying home all day, checking my email a million times, writing back and forth to my boyfriend, and going to therapy appointments and cleaning house.  I'm glad to be back out there, but what if the stress becomes too much and I relapse?  I don't think I'll be able to stand it if that happens.  I've gotten a lot of second chances at living in the last three years-I don't want to waste this chance.

On a sad and strange note, I'm not sure things are going too well with my boyfriend.  When I found out that I got the job on Thursday, I emailed him right away and I expected that he would call me that night and congratulate me and ask me detailed questions about what I would be doing, but nothing.  We talked on the phone the next night, but I was too chickensh** to say anything to him about my annoyance over the phone, so I emailed him when I got off.  That was Friday.  I haven't heard anything from him since.  Now it's Sunday and I start my new job tomorrow and I would have hoped that he would call me tonight to wish me luck, and nothing.  He's acting like a bas*****.  I thought he loved me?  Why is he behaving his way?  Am I overreacting?  I don't think so.  Maybe I am just hypersensitive though.  I don't know.

I think my meds are off.  I have been hearing voices and having almost out-of-body experiences lately.   I take loxapine (anti-psychotic) to help with hearing voices, but it hasn't been working the last few days.  I just hear screaming in my head and I can't shut it up.  The out-of-body experiences are weird too.  It feels like my head and hands are bigger than my body.  I can't stop those things either.  It's just so strange!  Plus, the Lamictal is making me very itchy and giving me a rash.  I need to be on the 200mg because it helps with the suicidal thoughts, but the side effects suck.

I sincerely hope that the happiness of the job will outweigh all of the other crappy things that are going on in my life.  I also hope that my bf doesn't end things with me.  He has a habit, he's told me, of freezing people out when things get bad.  I hope he's not doing that to me.

Relapse

It's been a crazy past couple of days, or at least that's what it feels like to me.  Over the weekend I was a nervous wreck.  I had to take some Ativan just to calm down and it helped a little, but not enough.  I have been terribly worried about money lately.  My disability is running out and with my insurance payments so high, I don't know how I'll make it.  I know I live with my parents and I shouldn't really have any expenses, but I do.  I pay for all my doctor bills, my massive amounts of meds, gas to get up to the city which is several times a week, and times out with my boyfriend.  It adds up really quickly.  I haven't been able to sleep much these last few days with these nagging money worries.  I'm just so terrified that I'll run out of money this month.  I called my credit card company and asked that they issue me a new CC since I cut my other one up when I became debt free.  I know it's not wise to get myself into the money trap again, but there are certain things that I just can't afford right now.  Plus, what if I have an emergency?  I can't rely on my parents, and I need to have a backup plan.  This is the best I can do for right now.

I was worried that my boyfriend would change his mind after our discussion on Friday about my bipolar disorder.  I sent him an email on Friday night after we saw each other, thanking him for being so understanding.  I didn't hear anything back.  So, my sister and I met up with him for dinner Saturday night.  He was affectionate-putting his arm around me and such, but otherwise I wasn't overly impressed with how dinner went.  I wasn't sure if it was because of me, or if it was him.  He didn't really talk much and I could feel that my sister was just intimidating him, which sucks!!  And, when the bill came he didn't even attempt to reach for it.  My sister took care of it and I later paid her back.  I was not impressed by that.  He should have at least tried to pay.  I guess it may have been because I invited him out and he pays for me every other time we go out?  I'm not sure.  So on Sunday morning, I emailed him and never heard anything back from him all day.  I was convinced it was over.  I even went to a dating site that I used to use!  Why I did that, I'll never know.  But, he called me on Sunday night.  Everything was fine.

We talked for a long time on Sunday night.  He wanted to talk more about my bipolar disorder.  I'm not ready to tell him the whole sordid truth-that I've been hospitalized three times in the last two years, that I have suicidal thoughts, that I've had ECT, that I have borderline personality disorder and that I'm a recovering alcoholic.  I feel like it's just too much for someone to take.  He told me I could tell him when I feel ready and that he would try and be as understanding as possible.  Then, out of nowhere he told me that he had a certain addiction problem.  I was shocked!  He seems so quiet and reserved-I never would have guessed this of him.  When I asked if he still did it, he said yes.  I felt sick to my stomach.  He was waiting on the other end of the line for me to say something, so I had to talk, and fast, so I thanked him for telling me.  I was trying to make sense of it in my head and I just couldn't.  I still can't.  I made him promise me that the next time he felt like he was slipping that he would call me instead of doing something.  He promised.  Then, before we hung up, we told each other I love you.

I have been questioning whether it is still ok for me to love him, in spite of what he told me.  I talked to my bff today and she told me that it says a lot about him that he trusted me enough to tell me his secret.  We both agreed that he really must love me.  She said that we're both coming to the relationship with baggage and that that is ok and that we both have to learn how to deal with each other's mental illnesses (mine basically) and addictions.  I agree with her.  I do love him and want to continue feeling this way, so I'll try to be understanding, just like he is of me and learn how to deal.

Finally, on Mother's Day my whole family was going to toast with champagne.  All I wanted was a sip.  I made a move like I was going for it and my sister and mom made a spectacle out of telling me no.  I immeadiately went to my room and cried.  I had to pull it together fast because we were going to have brunch and I didn't want to see how upset I was, but still, it was humiliating and embarassing to be told "no" like a child.  I am an adult and if I choose to have a small, sip of champagne that should be my own decision, right?  Later, when everyone was out of the house, I took the bottle and took a long drink of it.  In one moment I end a year+ of sobriety.  I felt stupid afterwards, but part of me felt good.  Like I asserted my independence and did something I wanted to do.  I know now that it was probably wrong.  I'll have to work extra hard to make sure that it doesn't happen again.

Love

So, I finally told my boyfriend about the bipolar disorder.  My friend told me the other day that I needed to tell him soon, that if I waited much longer it would continue to drive me crazy and that he needed to know sooner rather than later.  I agreed with her.  I asked her how it would come up?  How does one bring up something like this?  She said that somehow it would find it's way into conversation.  That's exactly what happened.

I asked him earlier on our date tonight if he could have any other job, what would he be?  He replied "a psychologist".  He then proceeded to tell me about his experience in seeing a counselor and his bout with depression several years ago.  Apparently, a counselor told him that he needed to take medication and he scoffed at that.  Instantly I started to get uncomfortable and I think he could read my body language.  I asked him if he didn't believe in taking meds and he said that he believed that for some people it was necessary.  I saw this as my perfect opportunity.  I could be brave and tell him, or I could be a chickensh** and not do it. I decided to just rip the bandaid off and go for it.  I told him that I took medication, and that I saw two therapists a week and he asked what for.  I then told him about the bipolar disorder.  He told me his sister had the same thing.  He asked how long I had it and I told him.  I was shaking and couldn't make eye contact with him I was so freaked out.  I told him that if he didn't want to date me anymore, I would understand.  He waited until I looked at him and then said that he liked me as a person, as a friend and as his girlfriend and that he loved me and that this didn't change that.  Him telling me that he loved me made me feel a little better, but I was still uneasy.

We went to a party after dinner and each kind of mingled in our own separate groups.  When it came time for us to leave at the end of the night, he walked me to my car and said "about that thing you told me-I know you're not perfect-I'm not perfect either.  I still love you.  I love you".  That made me feel better.  Then, for the first time, I told him I loved him, and I really meant it.  I just hope now that he stays with me and doesn't break my heart.  I hope he doesn't wake up tomorrow and decide that he doesn't want to be with a crazy girl.  Please, don't let him decide that.  I would be devastated at this point.  I didn't want to let myself love or need him, but I'm past that point.  It sucks!  I mean, being in love is a good thing, but the being vulnerable part-I hate it!  I'll say a prayer tonight that he stays with me.  I hope that God is listening.

"When It's You Against Them"

My aunt sent me a book the other day titled "When It's You Against Them".  It's all about the importance of being positive.  I feel like I'm on positivity overload lately.  I've been employing a technique that I've learned in DBT called "acting the opposite".  It's exactly as it sounds.  If you're feeling a little down, or angry, or whatever, just act the opposite of how you feel which would be happy or positive.  I've taken some cues from this book.  I haven't been feeling bad per se, but definitely anxious, on edge and a having some rage issues, especially with my mom.  She just keeps saying things to set me off!  Today for example I went to get my hair done.  It's already super short, but in a stylish way.  I came home and told her I got my hair done and in a snotty way, she said "was that really necessary"?  I blew up at her!!  Was it really necessary for her to make a bullsh** remark about my hair?  I don't think so.  But of course, I was immeadiately filled with remorse for having acted out, so I tried acting the opposite.  The only problem with this method is that it can sometimes leave you feeling like a phony.

Other times, it can leave you feeling really good.  I've been spending at least two times a week with my new boyfriend now.  I don't act melancholy at all around him because that's not how I feel.  But, I am definitely nervous, so I try and act as confident as I can, which I know, doesn't always come across, I am sure.  But at some point, the mask is going to have to come off and he is going to have to know that I'm a nervous person, that I have mood swings, that I hear voices and that I'm a recovering alcoholic.  That is just so much to throw at a person!  I know I've already said this in past blogs, but this is on my mind so much-I just hope he takes it well.  Last night he told me he loved me again (this is the second time he's said it) and I told him I was falling in love with him too.  I sincerely hope that if he loves me, he can accept all of me-including my flaws.  We'll see.  I hope that I can get my happily ever after.

"Hope floods my heart with delight!
Running on air, mad with life
dizzy, reeling,
Upward I mount-faith is sight,
life is feeling,
Hope is the day-star of might!" -Margaret Witter-Fuller

Cautious Optimism

I'm waiting for my world to be rocked.  I really like this new guy.  We're going on our sixth date tomorrow and the more time we spend together, the less sure of myself I am.  I doubt everything he feels for me and I feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath me.  I know I'm being totally crazy and neurotic and I don't know how much of it is my disease talking, or me just being a girl.  He said he loved me and I didn't say it back and I don't know if he feels rejected, but he hasn't said it again.  I kind of want him to, even though I sort of freaked out when he said it the first time.  But, even if he did say it again, I'm not sure I would believe it!  I know it's not based on the physical which is awesome because it's totally unlike my other relationships in that way, but part of me is still really unsure.  We don't even know everything there is to know about each other yet and he doesn't know the worst thing about me-the disease part!  What happens when he finds out?  Will he decide that he doesn't love me anymore?  I don't think I can deal with that!

My anxiety therapist says I need to be cautiously optimistic.  That sounds like a simple phrase to grasp, but I'm not even sure I know what that means!  I feel like I'm putting all of my eggs in one basket.  In one respect, I feel like at any moment the floor will drop from underneath me and I'll be utterly disappointed and heartbroken, but in another respect I feel the marriage clock ticking and I feel like he could be "the one".  And not just because the clock is ticking either.  He really does have amazing qualities.  More than anything I just want the anxiety to stop, to enjoy the ride, and for this to end in a happily ever after.  I feel like I deserve a happy ending after the last two years of absolute sh**.  I hope that this comes true for me.

When do I tell him?

So, I ended up hearing from my guy on Friday morning.  He said he couldn't wait to see me that night, so I didn't get stood up after all.  Sigh of relief!  We went out and had a great time.  And then, before we were about to part ways, he told me he loved me!  We've only gone out four times, but it feels like we've been seeing each other for longer than a month since each time we hang out it's for like 8 hours at a time.  I was so happy/freaked out/nervous at his declaration that I couldn't think of anything to do but kiss him.  I couldn't say it back.  I'm impulsive about everything else in my life but saying those three little, very serious, words.  I don't know how he felt about me not saying it back.  We did decide to be exclusive though, so that's one thing I can check off my New Year's Resolution list.  Boyfriend-check!

This comes with a price though, I think.  How do I tell him I have mental problems?  I can't even begin to describe the anxiety I feel about this.  I guess it helps a little to know that he loves me.  If he already loves me, he has to love all of me, right?  At least, that would be my hope.  And it's not like he knows everything about my personality now and he already loves me, right?  Plus, how long do I continue to date him before I tell him?  My therapist said it's not necessary to tell a person everything at once-they should get to know you first, and I think she's right, but he's already said he loves me!  I don't want to lead him on, and I don't want to get heartbroken if he decides not to care about me anymore.  I've already been devastated once-that's more than enough for me.  I pray that things will go well.  I'm already falling for this guy, which is not something I expected.  Please, let things go well.

I am slowly going crazy

Today was not a good day.  My Adderall ran out yesterday.  I called the doctor's office to ask for a refill and they told me that the doctor wants me to discontinue it.  This makes me sublimely afraid.  The whole reason I started this medication was because my skin was crawling and I could barely sit still.  My concentration was crap.  I couldn't read or sit through a movie, or do hardly any of the things I enjoyed.  So, they put me on Adderall.  But, since I've had so many issues with anxiety lately, I guess he was reluctant to continue me on since the medicine can increase anxiety.  I was ready to trade off the increased anxiety, since I was starting a new (hopefully more helpful) anti-anxiety med, for the non-skin crawling feeling.  Now, it feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me.  I just don't know what to make of it, other than feeling upset.

I was sort of on a high all week from my date that I had on Sunday.  He apparently had such a good time that he wanted to talk to me the next day, so he called and we talked for an hour!  We then emailed all week and made plans to hang out tomorrow.  We differed on the times, so I emailed him yesterday and suggested a time and haven't heard back from him.  Does this mean that I should plan to see him at the time I suggested, or is he going to stand me up?  At times I feel too unstable to embark on a relationship.  My primary therapist mentioned today that she talked to my anxiety therapist and they are worried about me.  They are scared that if this relationship doesn't go well I am going to be totally devastated and do something to hurt myself, like start drinking again, start cutting again, or making plans to follow through on the suicidal thoughts that I already have.  I told her that I was worried about that too.  Already today since I've been checking my email every five minutes and seeing that I'm not getting a response from him, I've been feeling rejected, let down and overall like "maybe he doesn't like me after all".  I've had the thought to take a few extra sleeping pills tonight since I'm so anxious and I don't know how I'll be able to get through the night otherwise.  I really hope that I get to see him tomorrow.

Third Date

So, I had my third date with the guy I recently met.  I really made myself sick with worry prior to it, and during the date.  My anxiety is just unbearable.  I know part of it is the normal dating butterflies (which it's been a long time since I've experienced those, so it was hard to tell that that's what it was), but most of it was and is the general anxiety disorder, which absolutely sucks.  It feels like the more I try to control, the worse it gets.  The book I read, "Embracing the Fear", says that you need to let go of the need to control the anxiety, and just let it happen-that way, it will feel less consuming and be less of a big deal.  Yeah right!  I've tried relaxing, I've tried letting it happen-either way, it's just horrible.  My hands get sweaty, my heart beats out of my chest, I get itchy and twitchy all over, and I get sick to my stomach.  My mom asked me today if starting a relationship right now would be good for me, and I don't really want to sacrifice starting something with a great guy because I have mental problems and I'm crazy, you know?  I don't want to give in.  I don't want to give up and be stuck inside my house with my parents like I've done for the last year.  I know there's more to life than this and I deserve to find it.  Tonight he's supposed to call and just the anticipation of it has again, made me sick all day!  I need to get over this.  When I'm with him, I'm mostly fine.  I just need to remind myself that I'm not in danger, that I'm ok, and that he likes me for whom I am.  At least, I hope he does.

Some hope...hopefully

I couldn't sleep last night.  I woke up not even feeling tired either.  I think it's probably the mania.  I volunteered this morning which I was totally nervous about, stomach in knots, head hurting, because I would be on my own as my training was over, but I went anyway.  Part of me looked forward to going since it would be an opportunity for me to take a break for my thoughts and get out of my own head for a few hours.  I wouldn't have a chance to think about how bad I feel, or my upcoming date that I'm so nervous about, or the suicidal thoughts, or the mania that comes and goes.  The volunteering actually went well.  I brought joy to some people and someone actually told me I was beautiful which made me feel better since I've not had a good body image lately.

I picked up my new meds from the pharmacy today and I have a little bit of hope that the new anti-anxiety drug and the higher dosage of mood stablizer will help.  The Ativan no longer works on me and is pointless to take.  I'll be taking Buspar now and I'm really praying that it will help with the anxiety.  The doctor told me that taking the Adderall (which I take for concentration) which I thought was supposed to help with the anxiety, actually has the opposite affect.  However, I'm still going to continue taking it as it helps to keep my weight under control and it does help my concentration a little bit, and I need all the help I can get.  I also really hope that the higher dosage of Lamictal will help with the rapid cycling and the suicidal thoughts.  I think about running my car off the road, and taking a lot of sleeping pills. 

I don't have the things I want and I'm not where I want to be, but aside from the mood swings, the outside things in my life are ok.  I have a safe, comfortable place to live.  I have health insurance.  I am lucky to be getting assistance from the state.  I have a good volunteer position.  I am starting to make friends.  I don't know why I can't be pleased about that?  I'm trying really hard in DBT and anxiety therapy, but I'm kind of stuck.  I wish things were different.  So, I'm holding out a lot of hope for these meds.  I guess I'm thankful that the doctor listened to everything I said this week and made some changes.  I definitely needed them.

I saw this on another blog this week and it really spoke to me.  It's part of the song "Anthem" by Leonard Cohen.  Lately I'm trying to look for the light and find the happy moments in life, despite the sad moments, and mistakes trying to inch their way in.

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in."

Too many fruitsnacks

I keep oscillating between depressed and manic.  Yesterday I bought a box of 6 fruitsnacks and downed three of them right away.  I immeadiately felt fat and hated myself for eating them, but I was feeling so depressed and suicidal I felt like I would eat away my troubles.  It obviously didn't work.  Now I'm worried I'll have a double-chin for my date on Sunday. 

I slept late today just because I couldn't face getting out of bed, and when I finally did, all I wanted to do was get back in bed so I could take a sleeping pill and get away from ruminating and worrying.  I stayed awake though and threw my Ipod on and launched myself into housework.  That helped a little.

I'm also feeling a little agoraphobic.  I was supposed to go to yoga, but couldn't make myself leave the house.  I was invited to go dancing on Saturday but I'm so afraid to leave the comfort of my house and to be around alcohol (without drinking any) that I'm not sure I'll be able to force myself to go.  All of these things add up to me feeling more suicidal.  I don't want to feel this way, but I can't seem to help it.  I hope that the increased mood stablizer helps.

Using my moments

"We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand...and melting like a snowflake.  Let us use it before it is too late."  -Marie Beynon Ray

Today, using the advice of a fellow blogger, I went to the psych doctor fully armed.  I had my questions/concerns in hand:  the ativan doesn't work anymore, the aderall doesn't seem to work all that great, and I'm rapid cycling with suicidal thoughts.  When he heard about the suicidal thoughts I was afraid he wasn't going to let me go home-I started getting really nervous, but he just wanted to be sure I'd be safe I guess.  He increased my mood stabilizer, put me on a new anti-anxiety med, and kept me on the same dosage of adderall.  Overall, I'm pretty comfortable with the results of the appointment.  I just hope these changes help.  I hate having these suicidal thoughts, especially when things seem to be going ok for me, you know? 

I have a third date with a guy this weekend, and I'm nervous already!  The anxiety is absolutely overwhelming.  Even though I had a good time on Monday when I saw him and I didn't feel that nervous, I'm kind of freaking out right now.  I'm worried about whether or not I'll be able to find the place he wants to meet at, what I'm going to wear, whether or not I'll look fat, and what I'll do if he wants to hold hands?  ( I have extremely clammy hands-especially when I'm nervous).  I know I need to just be in the moment and not worry about the future, but that's so hard to do!

Rapid Cycling

I'm a rapid cycler, and I've definitely been rapid cycling lately.  Up, down, up, down.  When I'm up-I really feel up-euphoric, happy, elated!  Like last week, I went to a symphony with my dad, came home, stayed up super late because sleep just seemed unimportant, and then got up, and felt utterly depressed the entire next day, with seemingly no explanation for it.  Yesterday, I felt happy, albeit anxious, but excited because I had a second date with the guy I met on my retreat.  Today, I woke up feeling tired and slow and re-running yesterdays events in my head and feeling stupid, sad, and hopeless.  I just can't win!  Tomorrow I see the doctor and I'm going to tell him that the ativan no longer works on me-even when I take six of them-nada.  I'm also going to tell him about the mood swings and the adderall not really having much affect on the anxiety.  He'll probably just tell me there's not much more he can do for me medicinally and that it's all up to therapy.  Blast.

No Structure...Endless Rumination

"Guard well your spare moments.  They are like uncut diamonds.  Discard them and their value will never be known.  Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have a lot of spare moments now that I'm not working.  I guess I should appreciate them like a retired person or something since that means I can do lots of projects and get things done that I have always wanted to get done, but instead of looking at it that way, I see it as more time to be anxious, depressed and more time to ruminate about all the things I don't have, or am.  For example:

-I don't have any friends nearby.  I'm lonely.  I spend nearly all my time with my parents whom I live with. I'm not stable enough to live on my own yet.
-It's been over a year since I've taken a drink and I still want one everyday.  Will this feeling ever go away?
-I've been broken up with my ex for almost three years, yet I still think about him and go over our relationship in my head all the time.  When will that end and when will I get a new boyfriend?
-I guess I'd have to go out and meet people to get a new boyfriend.  I'm terrified of social situations.  I have been trying to get out more to do them, but just last weekend I went out and had to pop 6mg of Ativan just to get myself out the door!  When will that go away?
-I want to go to beauty school but don't feel strong enough yet to face the rigor of that challenge.
-I am anxious all the time.  The adderall has helped the skin crawling feeling, but not the anxiety and even though I keep taking the ativan, it doesn't even work anymore.
-I am generally less depressed, but I keep rapid-cycling between hypo-mania and depression.  It's like a rollercoaster ride, and not a fun one!

I'm sorry this is not a very fun blog to read today.  I should just shut up and stop complaining.  But like I mentioned earlier, with all of this time on my hands, this is what I go over and over with in my head all day long.  I am grateful that I have good parents, especially a good mother who listens to me.  I am also grateful that I have good therapists who care about me and my welfare.  Hopefully they will continue to get me through these unstructured times and help me get the things I want out of life.

Sister, Sister

I have two sisters.  My one sister hates me.  My memory isn't so good since the ECT, so I don't really remember what our relationship was like before I was diagnosed, but I know that since I was diagnosed, she has practically hated my guts.  She can barely stand to talk to me, and when she does she says mean things to me, inciting me to act outrageously and out of control.  In an earlier blog I think I mentioned that I hit her when I got out of control once.  My other sister loses her patience with me very easily and often choses not to talk to me, even when I call her to talk to her and make things ALL about her.  Needless to say I long for a better relationship with both of my sisters but it is obvious that that is not going to happen.

So, knowing that I would get together with both of them today and that the potential for craziness and danger was high, my therapist left me a message last night, telling me to think with my wise mind and gently avoid them if situations started to appear like they were going to get out of control.  Very good advice.  The only problem is that when they say things to me, it is purely instinct that makes me act the way I do.  All the DBT skills in the world just escape my mind, and I just don't seem to know how to use them.  I've done pretty well so far today, but I've really just tried not to engage with the hateful, evil sister, and tried to maintain just a joking stance with the other sister.  We'll see how the rest of the day goes.  I'll be glad when both of them leave, I think.

"I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship." Louisa May Alcott

I wish I could live by this quote, or better to say, I wish I was living by this quote.  I am definitely afraid of the storms in my life.  The anxiety, the bipolar, the borderline-I'm afraid of all of those things and all of the things that go along with those packages.  I'm working on getting better and my therapist this week told me that I have to learn that I'm more than those things; that these diseases don't define me.  That seems hard to believe at moments, especially when I'm so enveloped in the anxiety right now.  I am happy to report that the depression seems to be getting a little better with each passing day-thanks to the Lamictal, and keeping myself surrounded with more positive things.  Hopefully everything else just gets better with more time.  I have to remember not to put a timeline on recovery, as author Judith Bemis says not to do.  Happy Saturday to all!

Halle Berry-haircut

I'm too sensitive.  I know this.  I also know it's part of the borderline personlity disorder.  I have tried to grow a thicker skin, but to no avail.  I got my haircut yesterday, and my hair was already short, but I went even shorter: aka Halle Berry in her super short hairstyle days.  I think it looks cute.  Plus, on days when I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning and getting going, it's super easy to style, which I appreciate.

When I came home, my dad said "could your hair be shorter, I think it's too long".  He kept making comments like this the rest of yesterday and again today, to the point where I welled up with tears but he kept going.  Couldn't he see how I was reacting to his commentary?  Apparently not.  My therapist said that I needed to communicate my feelings to him, but I feel like that would do no good, just cause an argument.  So instead, I keep my mouth shut and continue to take it.  I feel that that is better than a confrontation.

On a separate note, for some reason, I'm now having a mini-panic attack, for no reason at all, maybe my impending get together with my acquaintance tomorrow?  I feel itchy all over, my heart is beating fast, and I feel like I have to keep moving-I can't sit still.  I'm going to try and not take an Ativan and just sit through it.  I'm going to Mass tonight.  I hope I can sit still through that without too much trouble.

Seeing a rainbow

"We may run, walk, stumble, drive, or fly, but let us never lose sight of the reason for the journey or miss a chance to see a rainbow along the way".  - Gloria Gaither

It's been a crazy week.  Or rather a crazy past couple of days.  We did affirmation bags at the retreat, where people write nice things about you and stick them in a bag.  There was a nice guy that I met ( I met a lot of nice people) through working on the leadership team, but I guess I told him that it was my dream to someday live in Paris and own a Mini-Cooper.  He remembered that and wrote that he would pray that my dreams of owning a Mini-Cooper with Parisian license plates would come true.  I thought this was really nice, so I emailed him and thanked him.  Now, tomorrow night we're meeting up for a drink!  I'm trying to be really casual about this and am telling myself that this is just a friend thing but my sister says it's a date.  I'm not really sure.  Either way, I'm nervous now and will probably be even more nervous tomorrow.  I get really nervous about meeting and hanging out with people, even if it is someone I have already met.

I met with my DBT therapist today and told her that coming to DBT makes me nervous.  She said she understood, which totally blew me away.  She's an intimidating person, which is totally my hang-up, but she also said she was worried about what would happen to me once DBT was over.  She is concerned that I won't practice my skills enough, or forget to use them when situations arise, and she's totally right.  Even now, when crises come up, I get lost in the moment and forget to use my distress tolerance skills, or emotion regulation.  It just escapes my mind.  I get too caught up in the anxiety, depression or anger.  I really need to work on it, I know.

Finally, today I met with the volunteer coordinator at the hospital that I volunteer at.  The assignment that I had was making me too anxious.  I was working with patients that were just depressing me too much and I felt like I wasn't bringing them any joy, and I certainly wasn't getting any joy out of it (even though I know volunteering is supposed to be a selfless act).  Anyway,  I just couldn't do it anymore, so I asked for a new assignment.  Now I will no longer be doing patient care and will be working in the gift shop, which is great.  I like retail, and there will probably be downtime so I'll get to read a book or do my needlepoint or something.  That's always a plus.  I keep going to Savers, Goodwill and SVDP, and collecting all these used books, but my concentration has been crap so I haven't been able to read.  The Adderall has certainly not really helped with the concentration.  I guess I just have to force myself to do things for longer periods of time. 

The doctor did say (unfortunately) that there wasn't much more he could do for me medicinally, that I would have to rely on therapy to get me through these tough patches.  I hate that!  I wish I could just take a pill and make it all better-isn't that what medicine is for?  I know that that is what therapy is also for-so that you don't have to take medicine, (I guess)?  But some people just have to do both together, and I guess I'll be one of those that will have to do both for the rest of my life.  Well, hopefully not the therapy part.  Sometimes I run out of things to talk about, or just don't want to talk at all!  I would rather just blog about it, you know?  Anyway, I need to practice seeing rainbows in life and not making judgements and seeing the bad, I guess.  It will get better at some point, right?  Hey-I have a quasi-date tomorrow!

Retreat Weekend

This weekend I went away on a retreat.  I was on the leadership team for the reteat and we've been meeting for about three months now, and every time we met I had a mini panic attack.  Then, this weekend, I actually went on the retreat.  I made sure that I had extra Ativan on hand.  I was panicking the whole drive there.  I knew there would be a slew of hand-holding as this was a religious retreat and I have a sweaty hand problem that accompanies my general anxiety disorder.  Plus I was afraid that at any moment I would break into a full-on panic attack. 

The good news is that because I was on the kitchen team I was so busy that the hand-holding was at a minimum and I was kept so busy that I barely had a chance to catch my breath, let alone lose it in a panic attack.  The only time I actually had a panic attack was when I couldn't fall asleep on the first night and thankfully everyone else in the dorm was already asleep so no one else witnessed it.

I think that the Adderall is slowly working which is good news since my mom just reminded me that the doc said there is little else they can do for me medicinally by way of anxiety.  I have to try and conquer it on my own.  I hope that my therapy can help.  I really need it now.

Trying to relax

I'm trying to relax and let the Adderall work, but I'm afraid I'm not having much luck.  Today I had a massage and I tried to just shut my mind off and listen to the music and not ruminate, but it was impossible!  I kept going over and over things in my head, things that were meaningless and only caused me greater anxiety!  I don't know why I do this and it's not just during the massage-it's all day long.  I ruminate all day long and I simply can't figure it out.  I was supposed to go to yoga today but I couldn't summon the motivation to do it.  It wasn't like I was busy, I was just too caught up in my thoughts to get the courage to do it.  Isn't the Adderall supposed to be taking care of this?   I read that it starts working right away and doesn't have to build up in your system.  I have my church retreat this weekend and am worried to death about the possible panic attacks that could occur.  I hope that that doesn't happen.

I hope I can sleep

Today was an odd day.  I volunteered at the hospital and it wasn't the experience I was hoping for.  I was so anxious the whole time-it was a panic attack and a disaster waiting to happen.  When I meet with my "boss" next week I'm going to ask for a new assignment.  I just won't be able to handle dreading my volunteer assignment week after week. I'm supposed to enjoy it, right? 

The rest of the day, I've just spent piddling around on the computer and writing affirmations for my upcoming retreat.  I also finished my self-help book.  So now I'm sitting, waiting for time to pass, and hoping that I'll get sleepy.  I think this Adderall is keeping me awake (and not quite working yet-I still have that skin crawling feeling). I hope I'll feel tired soon.

Today was a good day

Today was rare.  It was a good day.  I got the Adderall-finally.  I'm not sure if it could possibly work already, but I felt a little calmer today.  I did try and stay busy, which I think helped, but I was coming off a very anxiety-ridden day yesterday.  I'm going on a retreat next weekend and yesterday was the final preparation meeting.  I was terribly anxious all day long-to the point of almost feeling sick!  But, I got to the meeting and some of the anxiety dissipated-until we had to do the handholding thing!  Ugh!  Then of course the sweaty palms came into play.  Afterwards, we went to dinner, and I felt so socially awkward.  It felt like there were all of these conversations going on around me and all I wanted to do was jump in and feel at ease, but I couldn't.  I felt stuck!  I want to make friends and have this network of support around me, but it feels like it is impossible to build that.  I hope that I am able to build some relationships next weekend on the retreat. 

Tomorrow I volunteer at the hospital again.  It hasn't been the most positive experience for me.  In a way I feel like I help some of the patients by giving them some joy in visiting with them, but with some of them, I walk away feeling even more depressed and like total crap because their stories are so awful.  I actually think it's worse for me.  So, I'll give it one more try tomorrow and if it doesn't work I'll ask for a new assignment in the hospital.  I just try to live by the quote "be the change you want to see in the world" (Mahatma Gandhi).  I hope I can do that.

"My hopes are not always realized but I always hope". -Ovid

Today I tried to stay busy.  I went to a swap meet to try and sell some of my misbegotten items, but no luck-not a single thing sold!  The borderline personality part of me (which is all of me) took it totally personally, and I came home feeling dejected.  The only bright spots in the day were some cds I picked up at the swap meet, and new cd that came from Amazon (yes, I did not stick to my rule to stop ordering from Amazon-in fact I ordered something else tonight)!  Then another materialistic bright spot was the purchase of the New Moon DVD-which like an almost 30 loser, I've been awaiting for months. 

I also hoped the my prescription and my self-proclaimed savior-the Adderall-would come in today, but no such luck.  Tomorrow I have a meeting for a retreat that is coming up next weekend and I'm so nervous.  They're going to want to do a skit that involves hugging and holding hands and the first way my panic manifests is through sweaty hands.  What do I do?  Tell them I can't do the skit?  I don't know what to do other than jack myself up on Ativan and wish for the best.

"The Sun Still Shines"

"The Sun Still Shines"
Even in winter, even in the midst of the storm, the sun is still there.
Somewhere, up above the clouds, it still shines and warms and pulls
at the life buried deep inside the brown branches and frozen earth.
The sun is there! Spring will come! The clouds cannot stay forever!
-Gloria Gaither

This poem is my wish for myself today.  I went to the pharmacy in the hope that my miracle drug-the Adderall-would be ready, but it wasn't there yet.  So, I have to endure the entire weekend still feeling this skin-crawling feeling.  I don't know how I'll endure it, but I guess I'll just have to find a way.  I'm already taking more Ativan than I'm supposed to, even though I can hardly feel its effects anymore.  I guess I've been on it too long.  Hopefully the sun shines for me this weekend.

Namaste

Today I went to yoga, and then did something I haven't done in years-went swimming.  Not just paddling around in the pool, I've done that in the last few years, I mean like actual swimming of laps.  I haven't done that since high school, when my swim teacher pushed me in the deep end off the diving board in order to prove a point (still traumatized by the way).  The whole experience felt relaxing and my head didn't even hurt that badly.  I felt a little less anxious when I emerged from the gym.  What a change!  Now I'm just awaiting my Adderall from the pharmacy and then hopefully I'll be on the road to better health.

I started reading a book recco. by my secondary therapist yesterday called "Embracing the Fear" (that's not the entire title, but it's about anxiety and fear) and it made me feel a little better-like I wasn't totally alone in how I feel and that it's best not to ignore the feelings of anxiety but to recognize them and try and deal with them.  I hope I can start to do that. 

For now, namaste.

Mindfulness-can i get to wise mind?

Today was a tough day.  I had DBT, which I dread now-we have added new group members, and I hate it, since it now feels like a support group and less like a class.  We hear about everyone's problems, which is fine, until we come to the part where we have to listen to my homework for the week and I have to talk about my problems, then I start to freak a little.  I try to be mindful of the class and be in the moment and not think about where I'm going to have lunch, and how much longer it will be before I can take another Ativan, but today that was just impossible.  I was certainly thinking with my reasonable mind and not my wise mind.

Then, a few hours went by and I had an appt with my psychiatrist who I see over a tv screen which is so impersonal.  I started hyperventilating in the office, my hands were dripping with sweat and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest.  I tried to make him understand the nature of my anxiety and how crippling it is to my daily life and I think he finally got it.  He changed my dosage of Lamictal so that I'm less up and down, and put me on something for the anxiety-back to the Adderall, but a lesser dosage, so hopefully this time, I don't get sick.  I won't get the meds until Friday, so two more days of this nonsense and then on to better tomorrows!

Going out of my mind...

I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin.  Literally, or actually, figuratively.  I can hardly sit still.  My heart is beating fast in my chest, and the nervousness is washing over me like a wave.  I'm listening to my favorite music, which is supposed to be soothing, but no dice.  I tried to do house chores to stay busy and active but that only amped me up more.  I tried to take a nap to shut my mind up, but that only made my mind race more.  I don't know what to do.  I took an extra Ativan, but I know that it won't work.  I'm just anxiously awaiting my doc appt on Wednesday and hoping he has some words of wisdom for me.  The last time I felt like this I got put on Adderall, but I'll never take that again-it made me too sick (but did fix the anxiety problem, sadly).  I wish there were some cure for all of this!

Correction

The movie I saw was actually titled "Remember Me".  Sorry about that.

"Remember When"-PTSD

Today I went out to see "Remember When" with a new friend from my retreat group.  I, of course, had to take an extra Ativan before I left because I was frantic with anxiety, as it's been so long since I've gone out with a new friend.  So we went to the movie and were having a good time until **SPOILER ALERT**the movie ends with the characters being ungulfed in the events of 9-11.  I have PTSD regarding 9-11, and I started to desperately hide my increasing anxiety from my new friend so as she would not think I was crazy ( or crazier-I have already admitted to her that I am bipolar).  We went about the rest of our afternoon seemingly fine, until I blurted out that I am also a recovering alcoholic (stupid, stupid, stupid!), and then we went our separate ways.

So, to recover from my gaffe, and my terrible anxiety over a new experience and the feelings of PTSD, I went out and spent money I don't have on makeup that I don't really need.  I mean, I guess I could make an argument for needing the MAC oil control powder, but really-do I need the Lancome Bolole' lipgloss that doesn't really show up on my lips anyway?  I only bought it because I had the same shade a long time ago and I have good memories associated with it.  So, I was buying good memories today instead of wallowing in bad ones.  Ugh, not good.

Now, I'm sitting at the computer, waiting for my evening Ativan to kick in (anytime now, really-I'm just waiting), and my hands are just shaking and dripping with sweat.  My heart is pounding and I feel like my breath is getting caught in my chest.  I need to get over this and move on.  Nothing bad happened to me today (only to my bank account), and tomorrow is another chance to make it a better day.  I know I can do it, and with any luck hopefully my new "friend" will want to hang out again and not think I'm too much of a mess to have fun with.  Keep your fingers crossed.

"Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough." Emily Dickinson

Today I saw my primary therapist.  My therapist for anxiety (secondary therapist) told me that I had to be honest with her and tell her about the unfortunate incident that happened with my sister on Friday, as well as the subsequent breakdown and cutting.  So, I did.  I told her all of it, and cried in her office-which I have never done.  I am proud to say I have never cried in her presence, mostly because I am intimidated by her.  She is a tough love sort of therapist.  But it felt good to get it all out and tell her how depressed I have been feeling and up and down, and crying a lot.  She gave good advice, and I did come away feeling better.

It comes down to using my DBT skills I guess.  She says that I have to stop in the moment and think about what I am doing and use my "wise mind" and not my "emotional mind".  I am REALLY going to have to work on that.  Plus, I'm going to have to find more joy in the activities that I enjoy, like the quote above implies.  I think I can do it.  I know I can (with the help of meds-of course).  :)

Obsessions

I have many obsessions.  All of which I have been told are part of my OCD (another label I hate).  Here I go:

Lipgloss; going to movies; buying books; anything Twilight; buying makeup; pens; stamps (the rubber kind); and basically anything that involves spending money on Amazon. 

I have now resolved that I will not spend any more money on Amazon-that I am cutting myself off.  We shall see how long this lasts. I need to save money!  Soon my disability checks will stop and I really will be in the poor house.  I need to save as much money as I can.  So, no more money on these little obsessions.  I hope I can stick to my guns!

Set back

I had a complete set back on Friday night.  I thought everything was fine.  I was still flying high from my great day on Wednesday and feeling ok, and then my evil sister stepped into the picture.  I try to avoid her at all costs.  I am learning in therapy that avoidance is really my best ally, since I have such an anger issue when it comes to her.  She just really sets me off!!!

So, my family and I went out to dinner and she and I rode home in one car and the rest of them rode home in another.  We got home first and had a heated exchange that involved kicking and name-calling (both of which I started).  I do regret both, as they were juvenile forms of behavior, but I just couldn't help it.  She was bossing me around in my own house, telling me what I couldn't and couldn't do and it just ignited a fire in me!  From there, I went on a downward spiral and cut myself-for the first time in over a year.  I wanted to cut so deep I would see blood, but that didn't happen, and I guess I am grateful.  Now, I am on a higher dosage of one of my meds-the effects of which are supposed to help lessen anger and rage.  I am a nice, kind-hearted person, why do I have rage!???????????????

Can this be?

Can this be?  Am I starting to feel a little better?  I can hardly believe it, and wonder if it is my involvement in more activities, or the combination of meds that is finally starting to do the trick.  I am now volunteering at the hospital, writing stories about new mothers and their babies-a happy process, but so nerve-wracking.  Yesterday was my first day, and as I was taking notes, the paper was dripping wet from my sweaty palms (disgusting, I know).  But, I made it through, and even had a good feeling in my heart once I was finished. 

Today I went to yoga in an attempt to use my un-used gym membership and try and get in some relaxing, meditation excercise.  It worked too!  My shoulders felt less tense, and although I felt a pounding in my head at the time of the workout, once we were finished, I felt good.  My brother would even be happy-at the end, we bowed and said "namaste".

More good things are happening too!  Yesterday I sold my ex's bike.  The one he saddled me with in "le divorce".  I am going to put the money in a fund labled "30th bday fund".  I hope to take a trip with that money.  Maybe back to MI, or to CA to see one of my good friends.  I haven't been out to see her in a while.  And this week I continued to feed my Amazon.com addiction-I got two new (actually used) cd's.  The "Fantasticks" soundtrack which reminds me of my favorite musical/play and a simpler time, and another Franz Ferdinand cd.  Plus, tonight we have company over and I've had to sit still for a really long time listening to stories about people I don't know, so I rushed into the den and ordered another soundtrack from my 2nd favorite musical-"Cabaret"-the one with Alan Cummings, because you just know that every other version doesn't compare!  Now, I secretly vow to myself to buy NO MORE things on Amazon and NO MORE lipgloss.  I bought another tube yesterday and today-both of which I hate.  I have become a gloss snob.  Unless I can try on a million tubes in the department store and find the perfect color, it just doesn't work for me.

So, that's all for now.  I am so happy that life is going better and pray that nothing breaks this spell.

Poem fitting for today

I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud by William Wordsworth


I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.



Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the milky way,

They stretched in never-ending line

Along the margin of a bay:

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,

Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.



The waves beside them danced, but they

Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;

A poet could not be but gay,

In such a jocund company!

I gazed—and gazed—but little thought

What wealth the show to me had brought:



For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills,

And dances with the daffodils.

New therapist

Today I saw a new therapist-she specializes in anxiety management.  She seemed really nice and very easy to talk to.  Easier to talk to than my normal therapist.  I was talking to her about my suicidal ideations which I've had as recently as two weeks ago and broke down in tears.  It embarasses me that I feel this way, but I can't help it.  When things are rough and overwhelming I just feel like I can't take it and things swallow me up.  I have to get better at using my DBT skills I know, but when I'm in a crisis, my mind doesn't immediately go to distress tolerance skills, it goes to everything but!  Eating, sleeping, or wanting to end it all.  I hope this gets better.

It's a new week

So last week, fed up with Adderall and ready to just let the suffering be over, I went to the doctor (he was a tele-med doc, which means we communicated via computer screen), and he prescribed Lamictal.  He told me I might just be one of those people who are very susceptible to side effects and who it is hard to find medications that work for.  So, now we're cycling back through the meds I've already tried to see if they work.  I've been on Lamictal almost a week and it's hard to tell.  I still have difficulty getting up in the morning, making myself get dressed, and put on makeup and try and find some semblance of a schedule.  I still have that "crawl out of your skin feeling", and am having trouble sleeping without the Ambien.  But, I feel a little less depressed I think.  My parents are leaving my alone for the day on Sunday and instead of being afraid that I'll hurt myself or drink in their absence I'm looking forward to a day in my sweats with a couple of movies and a carryout pizza.  I don't think that's at all depressing, do you?  So, here's to a better week than last.  I pray the Lamictal starts to work on both poles of the bipolar.

My problems seem silly

My best friend and her husband lost their first baby almost two years ago this week.  Compared to that, my problems seem ridiculous.  I know health is important, but it's variable-it's always changing, especially for someone with biploar disorder and borderline personality disorder, so I should just put up and shut up, right?  My two sisters NEVER call me back when I call them-mostly because they think I am crazy and have little patience for me (they have actually said this), so I try super hard not to talk about how I feel with anyone, unless it's just burning a whole in me.  I already have few friends, my sisters don't want to talk to me, and I live with my parents.  Could I be any more of a loser?  I don't want this to sound "woe is me", but my point is that I should realize that others have bigger problems, and don't want to hear about mine. I should definitely take care in telling people how I feel, because I don't want to lose the few people in my life that I still have left.

Tomorrow I'm taking action

So, it's been almost two weeks since I've been on the increased dosage of Adderall, and I literally couldn't take it anymore today, so I didn't!  I didn't take my morning dose.  I have had a severe migraine, non-stop, for a week and a half, coupled with stomach upset and lightheadedness.  It's just misery.  That, on top of the fact that I still haven't gotten my mood stabilizer because the insurance hasn't put it through has made me a mess.  So, tomorrow, I take action.  I'm calling the doctor and pleading with him to do something to help me.  Again, I want to just go off the meds completely-I can't take these side effects-but I know he'll say no, along with everyone who's around me.  I guess I'll just wait until tomorrow to worry about it.  For now, Happy Valentine's day, and here's to a better tomorrow!

Not doing so hot...

I've been suffering from headaches for years now, but for the last week now (ever since I started the increased dose of Adderall), I've been having headaches everyday, and they aren't responsive to medication!  So not only is my mood all over the place, but I've been getting headaches and migraines to boot! I've started begging my mom to let me go off all my meds, but she resists.  I wish I could go be manic and do all the things I want to do, and not worry about being depressed, but I know it probably doesn't work that way.  I'm wishing that I could find meds that work, don't have terrible side affects, and get me in line.  Here's hoping!

Day One

Today I had DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). I go each week on Wednesdays.  I woke up today, dreading it, feeling nervous and sick to my stomach, and generally like I wanted to crawl out of my skin.  I have been feeling that terribly anxious feeling for weeks now, coupled with depression, and these mood swings are driving me crazy!  Part of my problem may be my inability to let go, which we talked about today in group.  My therapist said that letting go is like watching a wave (your emotions) come into the shore hard, and then recessing back out into the ocean (letting the emotion go). 

I will work this coming week on letting things go-namely a breakup that happened two years ago.  It's not so much that I miss him, it's that there is so much I don't remember about why we broke up, when, what happened afterward, etc.  I had 12 sessions of ECT and that really did a number on my memory.  Perhaps it's best that I don't remember certain things, but I think it's harder to let go when you don't have all of your questions answered.  Perhaps this coming week will also be a quest to find out the info I'm looking for, and then move on.  I can't stand being stuck.