Monday, May 31, 2010

I made it

So, I made it through my first week of work, but just barely!!  I was, and still am an absolute nervous-wreck about this job.  I feel like I totally don't know what I'm doing.  I know that's probably normal, since I'm not supposed to know what I'm doing.  I am really good with the interpersonal skills piece, and the management piece, but here's what I'm not good with.  I was sort of thrown to the wolves in terms of not being trained.  The person I replaced immediately took on her new job so she hasn't really had time to train me, which is understandable.  I just feel like I don't know how to structure my day.  I definitely don't know the computer systems, where all the people are, where they belong, what their schedules, where the different departments are within the organization, who the key players are, or even what I'm going to be rated on within 90 days.  I'm so freaked out that I'm not going to do a good job.  I guess I don't really have anything to lose though.  I'm still going to be maintaining my disability payments, which is a good thing.  So, if I'm fired, I'll still have that as a backup.  Do you think I'll get fired?  Part of me really believes that I will.  I don't know if that's my negative self-esteem kicking in or what.

I went in on Saturday to work on a project that I had promised myself I would finish on Friday.  Unfortunately I just had too many fires to put out on Friday.  So I went in this weekend and made a huge to-do list for Tuesday.  I felt good about getting the project done, and cleaning off my desk.  But now that I know that I have to go back to work tomorrow, I have the butterfly feeling back.  I think that it is partly a good feeling, but partly a really overwhelmed and just scared feeling.  I don't know how to combat it.  I hope that it will go away the longer that I work there.  I just don't know though.  Maybe knowledge is power and will breed confidence.  I certainly hope so.  I am trying to create a feng shui work environment.  I am also desperately trying to remember all of the people that I work with, but there are just too many-over 200!!  I can't possibly be expected to remember all of those names and faces, can I?  I also have the worst memory ever, because of the ECT.  It's going to take a lot of practice to get things back to normal I think and I've been working on it for over a year now.  I just wish I could stop shaking.

Things are better with the bf.  We are having more open communication which is good.  We've been seeing each other for two months now.  It seems like so much longer just because we've already said I love you, and we seem to know each other's darkest secrets, at least I hope that I know his darket secret!  Last night he met my parents and I think it went pretty well.  He is painfully shy, so he didn't talk too much, but when my parents asked him direct questions he answered pretty well, I think.  A few nights ago he told me that he wasn't dating just to date, he was dating because he wanted to get married.  And last night he said that he hated being apart from me-that he missed me when we weren't together.  My sister thinks he'll propose soon.  I don't really know how I feel about this.  I know that I miss him when we're not together too, and I wish we could be together all the time.  BUT-he's got this huge issue that needs to be totally taken care of before I think about the happily ever after part.  It's a dealbreaker, that's for sure.  Plus, I want to have all of my ducks in a row too.  I would be happy to be engaged now, but I wouldn't want to be married until my health was totally ok-meaning that I have to stop hearing voices first.  I have been hearing them for about two weeks now.  I am not sure if it's stress or what, but it's driving me crazy.  They aren't saying the bad things like they usually do, but's unsettling.  I also want to be settled in my job before I get married.  Then again, I'm probably getting totally ahead of myself.  He probably doesn't even want to marry me.  We'll see I guess.

That's all for now. 

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Feeling good and bad at the same time

I've had a bit of good news!!  I got a job!!  It's my first real job in over two years.  I'll be back in corporate America, managing people again.  I'll have my own office and an assistant!  I can hardly believe it. I'll be making money and contributing to society.  It hardly seems real.  Tomorrow is my first day.  I feel so excited but so nervous at the same time.  Will I do a good job?  Will I live up to the image I sold at the interview?  Will I be able to withstand the stress?  I think that is the most pressing question at the time, really.  It's going to be a big change from staying home all day, checking my email a million times, writing back and forth to my boyfriend, and going to therapy appointments and cleaning house.  I'm glad to be back out there, but what if the stress becomes too much and I relapse?  I don't think I'll be able to stand it if that happens.  I've gotten a lot of second chances at living in the last three years-I don't want to waste this chance.

On a sad and strange note, I'm not sure things are going too well with my boyfriend.  When I found out that I got the job on Thursday, I emailed him right away and I expected that he would call me that night and congratulate me and ask me detailed questions about what I would be doing, but nothing.  We talked on the phone the next night, but I was too chickensh** to say anything to him about my annoyance over the phone, so I emailed him when I got off.  That was Friday.  I haven't heard anything from him since.  Now it's Sunday and I start my new job tomorrow and I would have hoped that he would call me tonight to wish me luck, and nothing.  He's acting like a bas*****.  I thought he loved me?  Why is he behaving his way?  Am I overreacting?  I don't think so.  Maybe I am just hypersensitive though.  I don't know.

I think my meds are off.  I have been hearing voices and having almost out-of-body experiences lately.   I take loxapine (anti-psychotic) to help with hearing voices, but it hasn't been working the last few days.  I just hear screaming in my head and I can't shut it up.  The out-of-body experiences are weird too.  It feels like my head and hands are bigger than my body.  I can't stop those things either.  It's just so strange!  Plus, the Lamictal is making me very itchy and giving me a rash.  I need to be on the 200mg because it helps with the suicidal thoughts, but the side effects suck.

I sincerely hope that the happiness of the job will outweigh all of the other crappy things that are going on in my life.  I also hope that my bf doesn't end things with me.  He has a habit, he's told me, of freezing people out when things get bad.  I hope he's not doing that to me.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010


It's been a crazy past couple of days, or at least that's what it feels like to me.  Over the weekend I was a nervous wreck.  I had to take some Ativan just to calm down and it helped a little, but not enough.  I have been terribly worried about money lately.  My disability is running out and with my insurance payments so high, I don't know how I'll make it.  I know I live with my parents and I shouldn't really have any expenses, but I do.  I pay for all my doctor bills, my massive amounts of meds, gas to get up to the city which is several times a week, and times out with my boyfriend.  It adds up really quickly.  I haven't been able to sleep much these last few days with these nagging money worries.  I'm just so terrified that I'll run out of money this month.  I called my credit card company and asked that they issue me a new CC since I cut my other one up when I became debt free.  I know it's not wise to get myself into the money trap again, but there are certain things that I just can't afford right now.  Plus, what if I have an emergency?  I can't rely on my parents, and I need to have a backup plan.  This is the best I can do for right now.

I was worried that my boyfriend would change his mind after our discussion on Friday about my bipolar disorder.  I sent him an email on Friday night after we saw each other, thanking him for being so understanding.  I didn't hear anything back.  So, my sister and I met up with him for dinner Saturday night.  He was affectionate-putting his arm around me and such, but otherwise I wasn't overly impressed with how dinner went.  I wasn't sure if it was because of me, or if it was him.  He didn't really talk much and I could feel that my sister was just intimidating him, which sucks!!  And, when the bill came he didn't even attempt to reach for it.  My sister took care of it and I later paid her back.  I was not impressed by that.  He should have at least tried to pay.  I guess it may have been because I invited him out and he pays for me every other time we go out?  I'm not sure.  So on Sunday morning, I emailed him and never heard anything back from him all day.  I was convinced it was over.  I even went to a dating site that I used to use!  Why I did that, I'll never know.  But, he called me on Sunday night.  Everything was fine.

We talked for a long time on Sunday night.  He wanted to talk more about my bipolar disorder.  I'm not ready to tell him the whole sordid truth-that I've been hospitalized three times in the last two years, that I have suicidal thoughts, that I've had ECT, that I have borderline personality disorder and that I'm a recovering alcoholic.  I feel like it's just too much for someone to take.  He told me I could tell him when I feel ready and that he would try and be as understanding as possible.  Then, out of nowhere he told me that he had a certain addiction problem.  I was shocked!  He seems so quiet and reserved-I never would have guessed this of him.  When I asked if he still did it, he said yes.  I felt sick to my stomach.  He was waiting on the other end of the line for me to say something, so I had to talk, and fast, so I thanked him for telling me.  I was trying to make sense of it in my head and I just couldn't.  I still can't.  I made him promise me that the next time he felt like he was slipping that he would call me instead of doing something.  He promised.  Then, before we hung up, we told each other I love you.

I have been questioning whether it is still ok for me to love him, in spite of what he told me.  I talked to my bff today and she told me that it says a lot about him that he trusted me enough to tell me his secret.  We both agreed that he really must love me.  She said that we're both coming to the relationship with baggage and that that is ok and that we both have to learn how to deal with each other's mental illnesses (mine basically) and addictions.  I agree with her.  I do love him and want to continue feeling this way, so I'll try to be understanding, just like he is of me and learn how to deal.

Finally, on Mother's Day my whole family was going to toast with champagne.  All I wanted was a sip.  I made a move like I was going for it and my sister and mom made a spectacle out of telling me no.  I immeadiately went to my room and cried.  I had to pull it together fast because we were going to have brunch and I didn't want to see how upset I was, but still, it was humiliating and embarassing to be told "no" like a child.  I am an adult and if I choose to have a small, sip of champagne that should be my own decision, right?  Later, when everyone was out of the house, I took the bottle and took a long drink of it.  In one moment I end a year+ of sobriety.  I felt stupid afterwards, but part of me felt good.  Like I asserted my independence and did something I wanted to do.  I know now that it was probably wrong.  I'll have to work extra hard to make sure that it doesn't happen again.

Saturday, May 8, 2010


So, I finally told my boyfriend about the bipolar disorder.  My friend told me the other day that I needed to tell him soon, that if I waited much longer it would continue to drive me crazy and that he needed to know sooner rather than later.  I agreed with her.  I asked her how it would come up?  How does one bring up something like this?  She said that somehow it would find it's way into conversation.  That's exactly what happened.

I asked him earlier on our date tonight if he could have any other job, what would he be?  He replied "a psychologist".  He then proceeded to tell me about his experience in seeing a counselor and his bout with depression several years ago.  Apparently, a counselor told him that he needed to take medication and he scoffed at that.  Instantly I started to get uncomfortable and I think he could read my body language.  I asked him if he didn't believe in taking meds and he said that he believed that for some people it was necessary.  I saw this as my perfect opportunity.  I could be brave and tell him, or I could be a chickensh** and not do it. I decided to just rip the bandaid off and go for it.  I told him that I took medication, and that I saw two therapists a week and he asked what for.  I then told him about the bipolar disorder.  He told me his sister had the same thing.  He asked how long I had it and I told him.  I was shaking and couldn't make eye contact with him I was so freaked out.  I told him that if he didn't want to date me anymore, I would understand.  He waited until I looked at him and then said that he liked me as a person, as a friend and as his girlfriend and that he loved me and that this didn't change that.  Him telling me that he loved me made me feel a little better, but I was still uneasy.

We went to a party after dinner and each kind of mingled in our own separate groups.  When it came time for us to leave at the end of the night, he walked me to my car and said "about that thing you told me-I know you're not perfect-I'm not perfect either.  I still love you.  I love you".  That made me feel better.  Then, for the first time, I told him I loved him, and I really meant it.  I just hope now that he stays with me and doesn't break my heart.  I hope he doesn't wake up tomorrow and decide that he doesn't want to be with a crazy girl.  Please, don't let him decide that.  I would be devastated at this point.  I didn't want to let myself love or need him, but I'm past that point.  It sucks!  I mean, being in love is a good thing, but the being vulnerable part-I hate it!  I'll say a prayer tonight that he stays with me.  I hope that God is listening.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

"When It's You Against Them"

My aunt sent me a book the other day titled "When It's You Against Them".  It's all about the importance of being positive.  I feel like I'm on positivity overload lately.  I've been employing a technique that I've learned in DBT called "acting the opposite".  It's exactly as it sounds.  If you're feeling a little down, or angry, or whatever, just act the opposite of how you feel which would be happy or positive.  I've taken some cues from this book.  I haven't been feeling bad per se, but definitely anxious, on edge and a having some rage issues, especially with my mom.  She just keeps saying things to set me off!  Today for example I went to get my hair done.  It's already super short, but in a stylish way.  I came home and told her I got my hair done and in a snotty way, she said "was that really necessary"?  I blew up at her!!  Was it really necessary for her to make a bullsh** remark about my hair?  I don't think so.  But of course, I was immeadiately filled with remorse for having acted out, so I tried acting the opposite.  The only problem with this method is that it can sometimes leave you feeling like a phony.

Other times, it can leave you feeling really good.  I've been spending at least two times a week with my new boyfriend now.  I don't act melancholy at all around him because that's not how I feel.  But, I am definitely nervous, so I try and act as confident as I can, which I know, doesn't always come across, I am sure.  But at some point, the mask is going to have to come off and he is going to have to know that I'm a nervous person, that I have mood swings, that I hear voices and that I'm a recovering alcoholic.  That is just so much to throw at a person!  I know I've already said this in past blogs, but this is on my mind so much-I just hope he takes it well.  Last night he told me he loved me again (this is the second time he's said it) and I told him I was falling in love with him too.  I sincerely hope that if he loves me, he can accept all of me-including my flaws.  We'll see.  I hope that I can get my happily ever after.

"Hope floods my heart with delight!
Running on air, mad with life
dizzy, reeling,
Upward I mount-faith is sight,
life is feeling,
Hope is the day-star of might!" -Margaret Witter-Fuller