Monday, April 19, 2010
So, I had my third date with the guy I recently met. I really made myself sick with worry prior to it, and during the date. My anxiety is just unbearable. I know part of it is the normal dating butterflies (which it's been a long time since I've experienced those, so it was hard to tell that that's what it was), but most of it was and is the general anxiety disorder, which absolutely sucks. It feels like the more I try to control, the worse it gets. The book I read, "Embracing the Fear", says that you need to let go of the need to control the anxiety, and just let it happen-that way, it will feel less consuming and be less of a big deal. Yeah right! I've tried relaxing, I've tried letting it happen-either way, it's just horrible. My hands get sweaty, my heart beats out of my chest, I get itchy and twitchy all over, and I get sick to my stomach. My mom asked me today if starting a relationship right now would be good for me, and I don't really want to sacrifice starting something with a great guy because I have mental problems and I'm crazy, you know? I don't want to give in. I don't want to give up and be stuck inside my house with my parents like I've done for the last year. I know there's more to life than this and I deserve to find it. Tonight he's supposed to call and just the anticipation of it has again, made me sick all day! I need to get over this. When I'm with him, I'm mostly fine. I just need to remind myself that I'm not in danger, that I'm ok, and that he likes me for whom I am. At least, I hope he does.