Monday, May 31, 2010

I made it

So, I made it through my first week of work, but just barely!!  I was, and still am an absolute nervous-wreck about this job.  I feel like I totally don't know what I'm doing.  I know that's probably normal, since I'm not supposed to know what I'm doing.  I am really good with the interpersonal skills piece, and the management piece, but here's what I'm not good with.  I was sort of thrown to the wolves in terms of not being trained.  The person I replaced immediately took on her new job so she hasn't really had time to train me, which is understandable.  I just feel like I don't know how to structure my day.  I definitely don't know the computer systems, where all the people are, where they belong, what their schedules, where the different departments are within the organization, who the key players are, or even what I'm going to be rated on within 90 days.  I'm so freaked out that I'm not going to do a good job.  I guess I don't really have anything to lose though.  I'm still going to be maintaining my disability payments, which is a good thing.  So, if I'm fired, I'll still have that as a backup.  Do you think I'll get fired?  Part of me really believes that I will.  I don't know if that's my negative self-esteem kicking in or what.

I went in on Saturday to work on a project that I had promised myself I would finish on Friday.  Unfortunately I just had too many fires to put out on Friday.  So I went in this weekend and made a huge to-do list for Tuesday.  I felt good about getting the project done, and cleaning off my desk.  But now that I know that I have to go back to work tomorrow, I have the butterfly feeling back.  I think that it is partly a good feeling, but partly a really overwhelmed and just scared feeling.  I don't know how to combat it.  I hope that it will go away the longer that I work there.  I just don't know though.  Maybe knowledge is power and will breed confidence.  I certainly hope so.  I am trying to create a feng shui work environment.  I am also desperately trying to remember all of the people that I work with, but there are just too many-over 200!!  I can't possibly be expected to remember all of those names and faces, can I?  I also have the worst memory ever, because of the ECT.  It's going to take a lot of practice to get things back to normal I think and I've been working on it for over a year now.  I just wish I could stop shaking.

Things are better with the bf.  We are having more open communication which is good.  We've been seeing each other for two months now.  It seems like so much longer just because we've already said I love you, and we seem to know each other's darkest secrets, at least I hope that I know his darket secret!  Last night he met my parents and I think it went pretty well.  He is painfully shy, so he didn't talk too much, but when my parents asked him direct questions he answered pretty well, I think.  A few nights ago he told me that he wasn't dating just to date, he was dating because he wanted to get married.  And last night he said that he hated being apart from me-that he missed me when we weren't together.  My sister thinks he'll propose soon.  I don't really know how I feel about this.  I know that I miss him when we're not together too, and I wish we could be together all the time.  BUT-he's got this huge issue that needs to be totally taken care of before I think about the happily ever after part.  It's a dealbreaker, that's for sure.  Plus, I want to have all of my ducks in a row too.  I would be happy to be engaged now, but I wouldn't want to be married until my health was totally ok-meaning that I have to stop hearing voices first.  I have been hearing them for about two weeks now.  I am not sure if it's stress or what, but it's driving me crazy.  They aren't saying the bad things like they usually do, but's unsettling.  I also want to be settled in my job before I get married.  Then again, I'm probably getting totally ahead of myself.  He probably doesn't even want to marry me.  We'll see I guess.

That's all for now. 

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