"Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard them and their value will never be known. Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life." Ralph Waldo Emerson
I have a lot of spare moments now that I'm not working. I guess I should appreciate them like a retired person or something since that means I can do lots of projects and get things done that I have always wanted to get done, but instead of looking at it that way, I see it as more time to be anxious, depressed and more time to ruminate about all the things I don't have, or am. For example:
-I don't have any friends nearby. I'm lonely. I spend nearly all my time with my parents whom I live with. I'm not stable enough to live on my own yet.
-It's been over a year since I've taken a drink and I still want one everyday. Will this feeling ever go away?
-I've been broken up with my ex for almost three years, yet I still think about him and go over our relationship in my head all the time. When will that end and when will I get a new boyfriend?
-I guess I'd have to go out and meet people to get a new boyfriend. I'm terrified of social situations. I have been trying to get out more to do them, but just last weekend I went out and had to pop 6mg of Ativan just to get myself out the door! When will that go away?
-I want to go to beauty school but don't feel strong enough yet to face the rigor of that challenge.
-I am anxious all the time. The adderall has helped the skin crawling feeling, but not the anxiety and even though I keep taking the ativan, it doesn't even work anymore.
-I am generally less depressed, but I keep rapid-cycling between hypo-mania and depression. It's like a rollercoaster ride, and not a fun one!
I'm sorry this is not a very fun blog to read today. I should just shut up and stop complaining. But like I mentioned earlier, with all of this time on my hands, this is what I go over and over with in my head all day long. I am grateful that I have good parents, especially a good mother who listens to me. I am also grateful that I have good therapists who care about me and my welfare. Hopefully they will continue to get me through these unstructured times and help me get the things I want out of life.