Friday, April 9, 2010

No Structure...Endless Rumination

"Guard well your spare moments.  They are like uncut diamonds.  Discard them and their value will never be known.  Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have a lot of spare moments now that I'm not working.  I guess I should appreciate them like a retired person or something since that means I can do lots of projects and get things done that I have always wanted to get done, but instead of looking at it that way, I see it as more time to be anxious, depressed and more time to ruminate about all the things I don't have, or am.  For example:

-I don't have any friends nearby.  I'm lonely.  I spend nearly all my time with my parents whom I live with. I'm not stable enough to live on my own yet.
-It's been over a year since I've taken a drink and I still want one everyday.  Will this feeling ever go away?
-I've been broken up with my ex for almost three years, yet I still think about him and go over our relationship in my head all the time.  When will that end and when will I get a new boyfriend?
-I guess I'd have to go out and meet people to get a new boyfriend.  I'm terrified of social situations.  I have been trying to get out more to do them, but just last weekend I went out and had to pop 6mg of Ativan just to get myself out the door!  When will that go away?
-I want to go to beauty school but don't feel strong enough yet to face the rigor of that challenge.
-I am anxious all the time.  The adderall has helped the skin crawling feeling, but not the anxiety and even though I keep taking the ativan, it doesn't even work anymore.
-I am generally less depressed, but I keep rapid-cycling between hypo-mania and depression.  It's like a rollercoaster ride, and not a fun one!

I'm sorry this is not a very fun blog to read today.  I should just shut up and stop complaining.  But like I mentioned earlier, with all of this time on my hands, this is what I go over and over with in my head all day long.  I am grateful that I have good parents, especially a good mother who listens to me.  I am also grateful that I have good therapists who care about me and my welfare.  Hopefully they will continue to get me through these unstructured times and help me get the things I want out of life.

1 comment:

  1. I have a love/hate relationship with structure. Sending you good thoughts.