Sunday, June 13, 2010

Having a tough time

I've made it through my third week of work, but just barely.  My mental situation is quickly deterioriating.  I have been hearing voices, I have a desire to run my car off the road while I'm driving, I want to start cutting again, and I've been od'ing and mixing meds.  Everyday I wake up for work and despite all of my cute outfits to wear and my new makeup and the great new people that I get to meet, I dread going into work.  I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I can hardly stand it.  It starts from the moment I wake up until the minute I go to bed.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with that same sense of dread and think of things I have to do during the next day. 

I saw my anxiety therapist two weeks ago and she wasn't really able to tell me much, other than to embrace the anxiety and let it happen.  This doesn't work for me.  I need to do something to get rid of it and be able to rest well at night and work comfortably during the day.  I went to my psychiatrist on Wednesday and had a panic attack in his office.  Tears and everything.  He told me that since my urges to hurt myself were strong and I was mixing meds, he thought I needed to be in the hospital.  That made me freak out even more and I told him no.  He said his concern was that I would end up like Michael Jackson or Heath Ledger, because they were mixing meds and that's how they met their ends.  I don't mean to kill myself, I just need to find a way to be able to live without the voices and the crippling anxiety.  That's why I've been self-medicating.

So, I've made it through the weekend.  The anxiety has been present the whole time.  Even when I was with my boyfriend.  I feel like I have to put on a happy face for him all the time, even though he knows everything about me.  It's just hard to feel like I have to be all things to all people, you know?

This week I have to determine whether or not I'll be able to keep this job.  I think I also need to go back to my shrink and get something else that works medicine wise.  I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday.  I hope that I can wait until then.

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