Friday, April 30, 2010

Cautious Optimism

I'm waiting for my world to be rocked.  I really like this new guy.  We're going on our sixth date tomorrow and the more time we spend together, the less sure of myself I am.  I doubt everything he feels for me and I feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath me.  I know I'm being totally crazy and neurotic and I don't know how much of it is my disease talking, or me just being a girl.  He said he loved me and I didn't say it back and I don't know if he feels rejected, but he hasn't said it again.  I kind of want him to, even though I sort of freaked out when he said it the first time.  But, even if he did say it again, I'm not sure I would believe it!  I know it's not based on the physical which is awesome because it's totally unlike my other relationships in that way, but part of me is still really unsure.  We don't even know everything there is to know about each other yet and he doesn't know the worst thing about me-the disease part!  What happens when he finds out?  Will he decide that he doesn't love me anymore?  I don't think I can deal with that!

My anxiety therapist says I need to be cautiously optimistic.  That sounds like a simple phrase to grasp, but I'm not even sure I know what that means!  I feel like I'm putting all of my eggs in one basket.  In one respect, I feel like at any moment the floor will drop from underneath me and I'll be utterly disappointed and heartbroken, but in another respect I feel the marriage clock ticking and I feel like he could be "the one".  And not just because the clock is ticking either.  He really does have amazing qualities.  More than anything I just want the anxiety to stop, to enjoy the ride, and for this to end in a happily ever after.  I feel like I deserve a happy ending after the last two years of absolute sh**.  I hope that this comes true for me.

1 comment:

  1. I think the more you think about telling him the more anxious you will get. Just try and relax and enjoy the moments you have together. You don't know what things he may not have told you yet. It's early days and you are both discovering each other. I know it's all easier said than done but anxiety is a normal part of the process any way when you really like someone. It's good that you have found someone that you really like and enjoy the company of. xx