Sunday, December 12, 2010

I wanted a drink...

I had family come in from out of town this weekend which was a lot of fun.  I felt like I could be myself, which lately is pretty quiet and very manic-happy at moments.  It was relaxing to a point.  I unfortunately had to spend time with my evil sister, who has got to be the most pretentious person on the planet.  She was civil to me and maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive to her bitchy antics, but she seemed just a bit less nice to me than to everyone else.  I don't think I'm imagining it.  I'm glad the weekend is over if only because that means I don't have to see her for a few days.

We went to a basketball game on Friday night and my cousins and sister all got beers.  I sat next to my cousin with his beer and the smell of it was so intoxicating.  Beer was never even my drink of choice, but I was just so entranced with this beer.  It was driving me crazy.  So, I need to double-dose the AA meetings this week.  I think I need some extra help especially since it's the holidays and it's hard for me to be around others while they are drinking and I clearly cannnot.

I've been having daily headaches/migraines for about 2 months.  It is really wearing on me.  I take loads of Tylenol, motrin, and excedrin migraine and nothing seems to help.  I don't know what to do.  My neurologist has basically had it with me since he knows I abuse meds and since he's tried everything he can try.  He says I need to seek out other methods like massage or accupuncture, but what he doesn't know is that I am on a very limited fixed income and can't afford methods like that.  I don't know what to do.  It's like pain is coming at me from several different angles and I feel very ill-equipped to deal with it.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

It's been a long time...

I haven't written since June.  That's been partially on purpose and partially just because I have been unable to.

In June, everything came out-my drug abuse and continued cutting.  The straw that broke the camels' back, was when I got so stressed at work that I took a pair of scissors into the ladies room and just started cutting.  The next day my mother took me to the hospital.

I stayed at the hospital for 5 weeks.  It seems like so long ago and I feel a bit like a different person from then.  I met some amazing people-people that even if I don't see them ever again, I will still count them as friends.  One such friend was Carolina.  She got me to come out of my shell a little bit and actually start talking about the things that were bothering me.  She was released, but came back in and we became roommates.  She was my hospital bff.  We have since lost touch.  I pray for her often, and hope that she is ok. 

I went through several different sets of meds in the hospital before they found one that diminished my desire for suicide.  I got to go home then, and at that point it was already August!  My birthday month!  I came home to not knowing if my parents would let me stay-my dad had said that I had already been given so many chances-but I was allowed to stay and started a partial hospitalization program.  I went 5 days a week, all day, and had group therapy.  It was intense to say the least.  I was in that program for 8 weeks.  I made some friends through there that I still stay in touch with. 

Today, I feel ok.  I had to switch meds after being in the hospital (allergic reaction), and now I'm on Zyprexa, which I hate.  I have gained 20 pounds and feel ugly as sin.  My acne has reared it's ugly head as a result of the meds too.  I'm 30 years old!  Aren't I a little young for stretch marks, and a little old for acne?  I guess not. 

I persuaded my mom to let me go off the Zyprexa (as a trial I told her) to see if I could lose some weight and feel a little better.  I have just felt depressed and off kilter since Thanksgiving.  This is my favorite time of year!  What's the problem?  I can't put my finger on it.  Today was a good day.  I am hoping for more of the same tomorrow.