My aunt sent me a book the other day titled "When It's You Against Them". It's all about the importance of being positive. I feel like I'm on positivity overload lately. I've been employing a technique that I've learned in DBT called "acting the opposite". It's exactly as it sounds. If you're feeling a little down, or angry, or whatever, just act the opposite of how you feel which would be happy or positive. I've taken some cues from this book. I haven't been feeling bad per se, but definitely anxious, on edge and a having some rage issues, especially with my mom. She just keeps saying things to set me off! Today for example I went to get my hair done. It's already super short, but in a stylish way. I came home and told her I got my hair done and in a snotty way, she said "was that really necessary"? I blew up at her!! Was it really necessary for her to make a bullsh** remark about my hair? I don't think so. But of course, I was immeadiately filled with remorse for having acted out, so I tried acting the opposite. The only problem with this method is that it can sometimes leave you feeling like a phony.
Other times, it can leave you feeling really good. I've been spending at least two times a week with my new boyfriend now. I don't act melancholy at all around him because that's not how I feel. But, I am definitely nervous, so I try and act as confident as I can, which I know, doesn't always come across, I am sure. But at some point, the mask is going to have to come off and he is going to have to know that I'm a nervous person, that I have mood swings, that I hear voices and that I'm a recovering alcoholic. That is just so much to throw at a person! I know I've already said this in past blogs, but this is on my mind so much-I just hope he takes it well. Last night he told me he loved me again (this is the second time he's said it) and I told him I was falling in love with him too. I sincerely hope that if he loves me, he can accept all of me-including my flaws. We'll see. I hope that I can get my happily ever after.
"Hope floods my heart with delight!
Running on air, mad with life
Upward I mount-faith is sight,
life is feeling,
Hope is the day-star of might!" -Margaret Witter-Fuller