Thursday, April 22, 2010

I am slowly going crazy

Today was not a good day.  My Adderall ran out yesterday.  I called the doctor's office to ask for a refill and they told me that the doctor wants me to discontinue it.  This makes me sublimely afraid.  The whole reason I started this medication was because my skin was crawling and I could barely sit still.  My concentration was crap.  I couldn't read or sit through a movie, or do hardly any of the things I enjoyed.  So, they put me on Adderall.  But, since I've had so many issues with anxiety lately, I guess he was reluctant to continue me on since the medicine can increase anxiety.  I was ready to trade off the increased anxiety, since I was starting a new (hopefully more helpful) anti-anxiety med, for the non-skin crawling feeling.  Now, it feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me.  I just don't know what to make of it, other than feeling upset.

I was sort of on a high all week from my date that I had on Sunday.  He apparently had such a good time that he wanted to talk to me the next day, so he called and we talked for an hour!  We then emailed all week and made plans to hang out tomorrow.  We differed on the times, so I emailed him yesterday and suggested a time and haven't heard back from him.  Does this mean that I should plan to see him at the time I suggested, or is he going to stand me up?  At times I feel too unstable to embark on a relationship.  My primary therapist mentioned today that she talked to my anxiety therapist and they are worried about me.  They are scared that if this relationship doesn't go well I am going to be totally devastated and do something to hurt myself, like start drinking again, start cutting again, or making plans to follow through on the suicidal thoughts that I already have.  I told her that I was worried about that too.  Already today since I've been checking my email every five minutes and seeing that I'm not getting a response from him, I've been feeling rejected, let down and overall like "maybe he doesn't like me after all".  I've had the thought to take a few extra sleeping pills tonight since I'm so anxious and I don't know how I'll be able to get through the night otherwise.  I really hope that I get to see him tomorrow.

1 comment:

  1. SOrry to hear your meds are messed up and your expextations have not been met. On the relationship front don't let other peoples opinions change what you feel is right for you. Enjoy your relationship who knows what will happen in the future. Good luck with your date xx