Relapse

It's been a crazy past couple of days, or at least that's what it feels like to me.  Over the weekend I was a nervous wreck.  I had to take some Ativan just to calm down and it helped a little, but not enough.  I have been terribly worried about money lately.  My disability is running out and with my insurance payments so high, I don't know how I'll make it.  I know I live with my parents and I shouldn't really have any expenses, but I do.  I pay for all my doctor bills, my massive amounts of meds, gas to get up to the city which is several times a week, and times out with my boyfriend.  It adds up really quickly.  I haven't been able to sleep much these last few days with these nagging money worries.  I'm just so terrified that I'll run out of money this month.  I called my credit card company and asked that they issue me a new CC since I cut my other one up when I became debt free.  I know it's not wise to get myself into the money trap again, but there are certain things that I just can't afford right now.  Plus, what if I have an emergency?  I can't rely on my parents, and I need to have a backup plan.  This is the best I can do for right now.

I was worried that my boyfriend would change his mind after our discussion on Friday about my bipolar disorder.  I sent him an email on Friday night after we saw each other, thanking him for being so understanding.  I didn't hear anything back.  So, my sister and I met up with him for dinner Saturday night.  He was affectionate-putting his arm around me and such, but otherwise I wasn't overly impressed with how dinner went.  I wasn't sure if it was because of me, or if it was him.  He didn't really talk much and I could feel that my sister was just intimidating him, which sucks!!  And, when the bill came he didn't even attempt to reach for it.  My sister took care of it and I later paid her back.  I was not impressed by that.  He should have at least tried to pay.  I guess it may have been because I invited him out and he pays for me every other time we go out?  I'm not sure.  So on Sunday morning, I emailed him and never heard anything back from him all day.  I was convinced it was over.  I even went to a dating site that I used to use!  Why I did that, I'll never know.  But, he called me on Sunday night.  Everything was fine.

We talked for a long time on Sunday night.  He wanted to talk more about my bipolar disorder.  I'm not ready to tell him the whole sordid truth-that I've been hospitalized three times in the last two years, that I have suicidal thoughts, that I've had ECT, that I have borderline personality disorder and that I'm a recovering alcoholic.  I feel like it's just too much for someone to take.  He told me I could tell him when I feel ready and that he would try and be as understanding as possible.  Then, out of nowhere he told me that he had a certain addiction problem.  I was shocked!  He seems so quiet and reserved-I never would have guessed this of him.  When I asked if he still did it, he said yes.  I felt sick to my stomach.  He was waiting on the other end of the line for me to say something, so I had to talk, and fast, so I thanked him for telling me.  I was trying to make sense of it in my head and I just couldn't.  I still can't.  I made him promise me that the next time he felt like he was slipping that he would call me instead of doing something.  He promised.  Then, before we hung up, we told each other I love you.

I have been questioning whether it is still ok for me to love him, in spite of what he told me.  I talked to my bff today and she told me that it says a lot about him that he trusted me enough to tell me his secret.  We both agreed that he really must love me.  She said that we're both coming to the relationship with baggage and that that is ok and that we both have to learn how to deal with each other's mental illnesses (mine basically) and addictions.  I agree with her.  I do love him and want to continue feeling this way, so I'll try to be understanding, just like he is of me and learn how to deal.

Finally, on Mother's Day my whole family was going to toast with champagne.  All I wanted was a sip.  I made a move like I was going for it and my sister and mom made a spectacle out of telling me no.  I immeadiately went to my room and cried.  I had to pull it together fast because we were going to have brunch and I didn't want to see how upset I was, but still, it was humiliating and embarassing to be told "no" like a child.  I am an adult and if I choose to have a small, sip of champagne that should be my own decision, right?  Later, when everyone was out of the house, I took the bottle and took a long drink of it.  In one moment I end a year+ of sobriety.  I felt stupid afterwards, but part of me felt good.  Like I asserted my independence and did something I wanted to do.  I know now that it was probably wrong.  I'll have to work extra hard to make sure that it doesn't happen again.