Monday, March 22, 2010

Today was a good day

Today was rare.  It was a good day.  I got the Adderall-finally.  I'm not sure if it could possibly work already, but I felt a little calmer today.  I did try and stay busy, which I think helped, but I was coming off a very anxiety-ridden day yesterday.  I'm going on a retreat next weekend and yesterday was the final preparation meeting.  I was terribly anxious all day long-to the point of almost feeling sick!  But, I got to the meeting and some of the anxiety dissipated-until we had to do the handholding thing!  Ugh!  Then of course the sweaty palms came into play.  Afterwards, we went to dinner, and I felt so socially awkward.  It felt like there were all of these conversations going on around me and all I wanted to do was jump in and feel at ease, but I couldn't.  I felt stuck!  I want to make friends and have this network of support around me, but it feels like it is impossible to build that.  I hope that I am able to build some relationships next weekend on the retreat. 

Tomorrow I volunteer at the hospital again.  It hasn't been the most positive experience for me.  In a way I feel like I help some of the patients by giving them some joy in visiting with them, but with some of them, I walk away feeling even more depressed and like total crap because their stories are so awful.  I actually think it's worse for me.  So, I'll give it one more try tomorrow and if it doesn't work I'll ask for a new assignment in the hospital.  I just try to live by the quote "be the change you want to see in the world" (Mahatma Gandhi).  I hope I can do that.

1 comment:

  1. It's good that you feel better today and that you are trying to get support. Making new friends is always hard and social situations can be really difficult when you are feeling anxious. Thanks for the comment on my blog. We are only now learning the distress tolerance skills so they are not easy to use at the moment. I am trying, though it is hard. I have DBT tomorrow and an appointment with my Psychologist today so will talk them through with her. Good luck with the Hospital hope it goes better this week.