Today was rare. It was a good day. I got the Adderall-finally. I'm not sure if it could possibly work already, but I felt a little calmer today. I did try and stay busy, which I think helped, but I was coming off a very anxiety-ridden day yesterday. I'm going on a retreat next weekend and yesterday was the final preparation meeting. I was terribly anxious all day long-to the point of almost feeling sick! But, I got to the meeting and some of the anxiety dissipated-until we had to do the handholding thing! Ugh! Then of course the sweaty palms came into play. Afterwards, we went to dinner, and I felt so socially awkward. It felt like there were all of these conversations going on around me and all I wanted to do was jump in and feel at ease, but I couldn't. I felt stuck! I want to make friends and have this network of support around me, but it feels like it is impossible to build that. I hope that I am able to build some relationships next weekend on the retreat.
Tomorrow I volunteer at the hospital again. It hasn't been the most positive experience for me. In a way I feel like I help some of the patients by giving them some joy in visiting with them, but with some of them, I walk away feeling even more depressed and like total crap because their stories are so awful. I actually think it's worse for me. So, I'll give it one more try tomorrow and if it doesn't work I'll ask for a new assignment in the hospital. I just try to live by the quote "be the change you want to see in the world" (Mahatma Gandhi). I hope I can do that.