Tuesday, December 7, 2010

It's been a long time...

I haven't written since June.  That's been partially on purpose and partially just because I have been unable to.

In June, everything came out-my drug abuse and continued cutting.  The straw that broke the camels' back, was when I got so stressed at work that I took a pair of scissors into the ladies room and just started cutting.  The next day my mother took me to the hospital.

I stayed at the hospital for 5 weeks.  It seems like so long ago and I feel a bit like a different person from then.  I met some amazing people-people that even if I don't see them ever again, I will still count them as friends.  One such friend was Carolina.  She got me to come out of my shell a little bit and actually start talking about the things that were bothering me.  She was released, but came back in and we became roommates.  She was my hospital bff.  We have since lost touch.  I pray for her often, and hope that she is ok. 

I went through several different sets of meds in the hospital before they found one that diminished my desire for suicide.  I got to go home then, and at that point it was already August!  My birthday month!  I came home to not knowing if my parents would let me stay-my dad had said that I had already been given so many chances-but I was allowed to stay and started a partial hospitalization program.  I went 5 days a week, all day, and had group therapy.  It was intense to say the least.  I was in that program for 8 weeks.  I made some friends through there that I still stay in touch with. 

Today, I feel ok.  I had to switch meds after being in the hospital (allergic reaction), and now I'm on Zyprexa, which I hate.  I have gained 20 pounds and feel ugly as sin.  My acne has reared it's ugly head as a result of the meds too.  I'm 30 years old!  Aren't I a little young for stretch marks, and a little old for acne?  I guess not. 

I persuaded my mom to let me go off the Zyprexa (as a trial I told her) to see if I could lose some weight and feel a little better.  I have just felt depressed and off kilter since Thanksgiving.  This is my favorite time of year!  What's the problem?  I can't put my finger on it.  Today was a good day.  I am hoping for more of the same tomorrow.

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