Saturday, March 13, 2010

"Remember When"-PTSD

Today I went out to see "Remember When" with a new friend from my retreat group.  I, of course, had to take an extra Ativan before I left because I was frantic with anxiety, as it's been so long since I've gone out with a new friend.  So we went to the movie and were having a good time until **SPOILER ALERT**the movie ends with the characters being ungulfed in the events of 9-11.  I have PTSD regarding 9-11, and I started to desperately hide my increasing anxiety from my new friend so as she would not think I was crazy ( or crazier-I have already admitted to her that I am bipolar).  We went about the rest of our afternoon seemingly fine, until I blurted out that I am also a recovering alcoholic (stupid, stupid, stupid!), and then we went our separate ways.

So, to recover from my gaffe, and my terrible anxiety over a new experience and the feelings of PTSD, I went out and spent money I don't have on makeup that I don't really need.  I mean, I guess I could make an argument for needing the MAC oil control powder, but really-do I need the Lancome Bolole' lipgloss that doesn't really show up on my lips anyway?  I only bought it because I had the same shade a long time ago and I have good memories associated with it.  So, I was buying good memories today instead of wallowing in bad ones.  Ugh, not good.

Now, I'm sitting at the computer, waiting for my evening Ativan to kick in (anytime now, really-I'm just waiting), and my hands are just shaking and dripping with sweat.  My heart is pounding and I feel like my breath is getting caught in my chest.  I need to get over this and move on.  Nothing bad happened to me today (only to my bank account), and tomorrow is another chance to make it a better day.  I know I can do it, and with any luck hopefully my new "friend" will want to hang out again and not think I'm too much of a mess to have fun with.  Keep your fingers crossed.

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