Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Using my moments

"We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand...and melting like a snowflake.  Let us use it before it is too late."  -Marie Beynon Ray

Today, using the advice of a fellow blogger, I went to the psych doctor fully armed.  I had my questions/concerns in hand:  the ativan doesn't work anymore, the aderall doesn't seem to work all that great, and I'm rapid cycling with suicidal thoughts.  When he heard about the suicidal thoughts I was afraid he wasn't going to let me go home-I started getting really nervous, but he just wanted to be sure I'd be safe I guess.  He increased my mood stabilizer, put me on a new anti-anxiety med, and kept me on the same dosage of adderall.  Overall, I'm pretty comfortable with the results of the appointment.  I just hope these changes help.  I hate having these suicidal thoughts, especially when things seem to be going ok for me, you know? 

I have a third date with a guy this weekend, and I'm nervous already!  The anxiety is absolutely overwhelming.  Even though I had a good time on Monday when I saw him and I didn't feel that nervous, I'm kind of freaking out right now.  I'm worried about whether or not I'll be able to find the place he wants to meet at, what I'm going to wear, whether or not I'll look fat, and what I'll do if he wants to hold hands?  ( I have extremely clammy hands-especially when I'm nervous).  I know I need to just be in the moment and not worry about the future, but that's so hard to do!

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