Thursday, February 25, 2010

New therapist

Today I saw a new therapist-she specializes in anxiety management.  She seemed really nice and very easy to talk to.  Easier to talk to than my normal therapist.  I was talking to her about my suicidal ideations which I've had as recently as two weeks ago and broke down in tears.  It embarasses me that I feel this way, but I can't help it.  When things are rough and overwhelming I just feel like I can't take it and things swallow me up.  I have to get better at using my DBT skills I know, but when I'm in a crisis, my mind doesn't immediately go to distress tolerance skills, it goes to everything but!  Eating, sleeping, or wanting to end it all.  I hope this gets better.

Monday, February 22, 2010

It's a new week

So last week, fed up with Adderall and ready to just let the suffering be over, I went to the doctor (he was a tele-med doc, which means we communicated via computer screen), and he prescribed Lamictal.  He told me I might just be one of those people who are very susceptible to side effects and who it is hard to find medications that work for.  So, now we're cycling back through the meds I've already tried to see if they work.  I've been on Lamictal almost a week and it's hard to tell.  I still have difficulty getting up in the morning, making myself get dressed, and put on makeup and try and find some semblance of a schedule.  I still have that "crawl out of your skin feeling", and am having trouble sleeping without the Ambien.  But, I feel a little less depressed I think.  My parents are leaving my alone for the day on Sunday and instead of being afraid that I'll hurt myself or drink in their absence I'm looking forward to a day in my sweats with a couple of movies and a carryout pizza.  I don't think that's at all depressing, do you?  So, here's to a better week than last.  I pray the Lamictal starts to work on both poles of the bipolar.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

My problems seem silly

My best friend and her husband lost their first baby almost two years ago this week.  Compared to that, my problems seem ridiculous.  I know health is important, but it's variable-it's always changing, especially for someone with biploar disorder and borderline personality disorder, so I should just put up and shut up, right?  My two sisters NEVER call me back when I call them-mostly because they think I am crazy and have little patience for me (they have actually said this), so I try super hard not to talk about how I feel with anyone, unless it's just burning a whole in me.  I already have few friends, my sisters don't want to talk to me, and I live with my parents.  Could I be any more of a loser?  I don't want this to sound "woe is me", but my point is that I should realize that others have bigger problems, and don't want to hear about mine. I should definitely take care in telling people how I feel, because I don't want to lose the few people in my life that I still have left.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Tomorrow I'm taking action

So, it's been almost two weeks since I've been on the increased dosage of Adderall, and I literally couldn't take it anymore today, so I didn't!  I didn't take my morning dose.  I have had a severe migraine, non-stop, for a week and a half, coupled with stomach upset and lightheadedness.  It's just misery.  That, on top of the fact that I still haven't gotten my mood stabilizer because the insurance hasn't put it through has made me a mess.  So, tomorrow, I take action.  I'm calling the doctor and pleading with him to do something to help me.  Again, I want to just go off the meds completely-I can't take these side effects-but I know he'll say no, along with everyone who's around me.  I guess I'll just wait until tomorrow to worry about it.  For now, Happy Valentine's day, and here's to a better tomorrow!

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Not doing so hot...

I've been suffering from headaches for years now, but for the last week now (ever since I started the increased dose of Adderall), I've been having headaches everyday, and they aren't responsive to medication!  So not only is my mood all over the place, but I've been getting headaches and migraines to boot! I've started begging my mom to let me go off all my meds, but she resists.  I wish I could go be manic and do all the things I want to do, and not worry about being depressed, but I know it probably doesn't work that way.  I'm wishing that I could find meds that work, don't have terrible side affects, and get me in line.  Here's hoping!

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Day One

Today I had DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). I go each week on Wednesdays.  I woke up today, dreading it, feeling nervous and sick to my stomach, and generally like I wanted to crawl out of my skin.  I have been feeling that terribly anxious feeling for weeks now, coupled with depression, and these mood swings are driving me crazy!  Part of my problem may be my inability to let go, which we talked about today in group.  My therapist said that letting go is like watching a wave (your emotions) come into the shore hard, and then recessing back out into the ocean (letting the emotion go). 

I will work this coming week on letting things go-namely a breakup that happened two years ago.  It's not so much that I miss him, it's that there is so much I don't remember about why we broke up, when, what happened afterward, etc.  I had 12 sessions of ECT and that really did a number on my memory.  Perhaps it's best that I don't remember certain things, but I think it's harder to let go when you don't have all of your questions answered.  Perhaps this coming week will also be a quest to find out the info I'm looking for, and then move on.  I can't stand being stuck.