Sunday, May 23, 2010

Feeling good and bad at the same time

I've had a bit of good news!!  I got a job!!  It's my first real job in over two years.  I'll be back in corporate America, managing people again.  I'll have my own office and an assistant!  I can hardly believe it. I'll be making money and contributing to society.  It hardly seems real.  Tomorrow is my first day.  I feel so excited but so nervous at the same time.  Will I do a good job?  Will I live up to the image I sold at the interview?  Will I be able to withstand the stress?  I think that is the most pressing question at the time, really.  It's going to be a big change from staying home all day, checking my email a million times, writing back and forth to my boyfriend, and going to therapy appointments and cleaning house.  I'm glad to be back out there, but what if the stress becomes too much and I relapse?  I don't think I'll be able to stand it if that happens.  I've gotten a lot of second chances at living in the last three years-I don't want to waste this chance.

On a sad and strange note, I'm not sure things are going too well with my boyfriend.  When I found out that I got the job on Thursday, I emailed him right away and I expected that he would call me that night and congratulate me and ask me detailed questions about what I would be doing, but nothing.  We talked on the phone the next night, but I was too chickensh** to say anything to him about my annoyance over the phone, so I emailed him when I got off.  That was Friday.  I haven't heard anything from him since.  Now it's Sunday and I start my new job tomorrow and I would have hoped that he would call me tonight to wish me luck, and nothing.  He's acting like a bas*****.  I thought he loved me?  Why is he behaving his way?  Am I overreacting?  I don't think so.  Maybe I am just hypersensitive though.  I don't know.

I think my meds are off.  I have been hearing voices and having almost out-of-body experiences lately.   I take loxapine (anti-psychotic) to help with hearing voices, but it hasn't been working the last few days.  I just hear screaming in my head and I can't shut it up.  The out-of-body experiences are weird too.  It feels like my head and hands are bigger than my body.  I can't stop those things either.  It's just so strange!  Plus, the Lamictal is making me very itchy and giving me a rash.  I need to be on the 200mg because it helps with the suicidal thoughts, but the side effects suck.

I sincerely hope that the happiness of the job will outweigh all of the other crappy things that are going on in my life.  I also hope that my bf doesn't end things with me.  He has a habit, he's told me, of freezing people out when things get bad.  I hope he's not doing that to me.

1 comment:

  1. Good Luck with the job thats great news. Maybe you should talk to your psych if your hearing voices and having out of body experiences in case it becomes unmanagable. As for the boyfriend he's a man what can i say. They tend to be a bit insensitive at the best of times in my experience. Once again Good Luck wahey for you xx