I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up not even feeling tired either. I think it's probably the mania. I volunteered this morning which I was totally nervous about, stomach in knots, head hurting, because I would be on my own as my training was over, but I went anyway. Part of me looked forward to going since it would be an opportunity for me to take a break for my thoughts and get out of my own head for a few hours. I wouldn't have a chance to think about how bad I feel, or my upcoming date that I'm so nervous about, or the suicidal thoughts, or the mania that comes and goes. The volunteering actually went well. I brought joy to some people and someone actually told me I was beautiful which made me feel better since I've not had a good body image lately.
I picked up my new meds from the pharmacy today and I have a little bit of hope that the new anti-anxiety drug and the higher dosage of mood stablizer will help. The Ativan no longer works on me and is pointless to take. I'll be taking Buspar now and I'm really praying that it will help with the anxiety. The doctor told me that taking the Adderall (which I take for concentration) which I thought was supposed to help with the anxiety, actually has the opposite affect. However, I'm still going to continue taking it as it helps to keep my weight under control and it does help my concentration a little bit, and I need all the help I can get. I also really hope that the higher dosage of Lamictal will help with the rapid cycling and the suicidal thoughts. I think about running my car off the road, and taking a lot of sleeping pills.
I don't have the things I want and I'm not where I want to be, but aside from the mood swings, the outside things in my life are ok. I have a safe, comfortable place to live. I have health insurance. I am lucky to be getting assistance from the state. I have a good volunteer position. I am starting to make friends. I don't know why I can't be pleased about that? I'm trying really hard in DBT and anxiety therapy, but I'm kind of stuck. I wish things were different. So, I'm holding out a lot of hope for these meds. I guess I'm thankful that the doctor listened to everything I said this week and made some changes. I definitely needed them.
I saw this on another blog this week and it really spoke to me. It's part of the song "Anthem" by Leonard Cohen. Lately I'm trying to look for the light and find the happy moments in life, despite the sad moments, and mistakes trying to inch their way in.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in."