Love

So, I finally told my boyfriend about the bipolar disorder.  My friend told me the other day that I needed to tell him soon, that if I waited much longer it would continue to drive me crazy and that he needed to know sooner rather than later.  I agreed with her.  I asked her how it would come up?  How does one bring up something like this?  She said that somehow it would find it's way into conversation.  That's exactly what happened.

I asked him earlier on our date tonight if he could have any other job, what would he be?  He replied "a psychologist".  He then proceeded to tell me about his experience in seeing a counselor and his bout with depression several years ago.  Apparently, a counselor told him that he needed to take medication and he scoffed at that.  Instantly I started to get uncomfortable and I think he could read my body language.  I asked him if he didn't believe in taking meds and he said that he believed that for some people it was necessary.  I saw this as my perfect opportunity.  I could be brave and tell him, or I could be a chickensh** and not do it. I decided to just rip the bandaid off and go for it.  I told him that I took medication, and that I saw two therapists a week and he asked what for.  I then told him about the bipolar disorder.  He told me his sister had the same thing.  He asked how long I had it and I told him.  I was shaking and couldn't make eye contact with him I was so freaked out.  I told him that if he didn't want to date me anymore, I would understand.  He waited until I looked at him and then said that he liked me as a person, as a friend and as his girlfriend and that he loved me and that this didn't change that.  Him telling me that he loved me made me feel a little better, but I was still uneasy.

We went to a party after dinner and each kind of mingled in our own separate groups.  When it came time for us to leave at the end of the night, he walked me to my car and said "about that thing you told me-I know you're not perfect-I'm not perfect either.  I still love you.  I love you".  That made me feel better.  Then, for the first time, I told him I loved him, and I really meant it.  I just hope now that he stays with me and doesn't break my heart.  I hope he doesn't wake up tomorrow and decide that he doesn't want to be with a crazy girl.  Please, don't let him decide that.  I would be devastated at this point.  I didn't want to let myself love or need him, but I'm past that point.  It sucks!  I mean, being in love is a good thing, but the being vulnerable part-I hate it!  I'll say a prayer tonight that he stays with me.  I hope that God is listening.

"When It's You Against Them"

My aunt sent me a book the other day titled "When It's You Against Them".  It's all about the importance of being positive.  I feel like I'm on positivity overload lately.  I've been employing a technique that I've learned in DBT called "acting the opposite".  It's exactly as it sounds.  If you're feeling a little down, or angry, or whatever, just act the opposite of how you feel which would be happy or positive.  I've taken some cues from this book.  I haven't been feeling bad per se, but definitely anxious, on edge and a having some rage issues, especially with my mom.  She just keeps saying things to set me off!  Today for example I went to get my hair done.  It's already super short, but in a stylish way.  I came home and told her I got my hair done and in a snotty way, she said "was that really necessary"?  I blew up at her!!  Was it really necessary for her to make a bullsh** remark about my hair?  I don't think so.  But of course, I was immeadiately filled with remorse for having acted out, so I tried acting the opposite.  The only problem with this method is that it can sometimes leave you feeling like a phony.

Other times, it can leave you feeling really good.  I've been spending at least two times a week with my new boyfriend now.  I don't act melancholy at all around him because that's not how I feel.  But, I am definitely nervous, so I try and act as confident as I can, which I know, doesn't always come across, I am sure.  But at some point, the mask is going to have to come off and he is going to have to know that I'm a nervous person, that I have mood swings, that I hear voices and that I'm a recovering alcoholic.  That is just so much to throw at a person!  I know I've already said this in past blogs, but this is on my mind so much-I just hope he takes it well.  Last night he told me he loved me again (this is the second time he's said it) and I told him I was falling in love with him too.  I sincerely hope that if he loves me, he can accept all of me-including my flaws.  We'll see.  I hope that I can get my happily ever after.

"Hope floods my heart with delight!
Running on air, mad with life
dizzy, reeling,
Upward I mount-faith is sight,
life is feeling,
Hope is the day-star of might!" -Margaret Witter-Fuller

Cautious Optimism

I'm waiting for my world to be rocked.  I really like this new guy.  We're going on our sixth date tomorrow and the more time we spend together, the less sure of myself I am.  I doubt everything he feels for me and I feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath me.  I know I'm being totally crazy and neurotic and I don't know how much of it is my disease talking, or me just being a girl.  He said he loved me and I didn't say it back and I don't know if he feels rejected, but he hasn't said it again.  I kind of want him to, even though I sort of freaked out when he said it the first time.  But, even if he did say it again, I'm not sure I would believe it!  I know it's not based on the physical which is awesome because it's totally unlike my other relationships in that way, but part of me is still really unsure.  We don't even know everything there is to know about each other yet and he doesn't know the worst thing about me-the disease part!  What happens when he finds out?  Will he decide that he doesn't love me anymore?  I don't think I can deal with that!

My anxiety therapist says I need to be cautiously optimistic.  That sounds like a simple phrase to grasp, but I'm not even sure I know what that means!  I feel like I'm putting all of my eggs in one basket.  In one respect, I feel like at any moment the floor will drop from underneath me and I'll be utterly disappointed and heartbroken, but in another respect I feel the marriage clock ticking and I feel like he could be "the one".  And not just because the clock is ticking either.  He really does have amazing qualities.  More than anything I just want the anxiety to stop, to enjoy the ride, and for this to end in a happily ever after.  I feel like I deserve a happy ending after the last two years of absolute sh**.  I hope that this comes true for me.

When do I tell him?

So, I ended up hearing from my guy on Friday morning.  He said he couldn't wait to see me that night, so I didn't get stood up after all.  Sigh of relief!  We went out and had a great time.  And then, before we were about to part ways, he told me he loved me!  We've only gone out four times, but it feels like we've been seeing each other for longer than a month since each time we hang out it's for like 8 hours at a time.  I was so happy/freaked out/nervous at his declaration that I couldn't think of anything to do but kiss him.  I couldn't say it back.  I'm impulsive about everything else in my life but saying those three little, very serious, words.  I don't know how he felt about me not saying it back.  We did decide to be exclusive though, so that's one thing I can check off my New Year's Resolution list.  Boyfriend-check!

This comes with a price though, I think.  How do I tell him I have mental problems?  I can't even begin to describe the anxiety I feel about this.  I guess it helps a little to know that he loves me.  If he already loves me, he has to love all of me, right?  At least, that would be my hope.  And it's not like he knows everything about my personality now and he already loves me, right?  Plus, how long do I continue to date him before I tell him?  My therapist said it's not necessary to tell a person everything at once-they should get to know you first, and I think she's right, but he's already said he loves me!  I don't want to lead him on, and I don't want to get heartbroken if he decides not to care about me anymore.  I've already been devastated once-that's more than enough for me.  I pray that things will go well.  I'm already falling for this guy, which is not something I expected.  Please, let things go well.

I am slowly going crazy

Today was not a good day.  My Adderall ran out yesterday.  I called the doctor's office to ask for a refill and they told me that the doctor wants me to discontinue it.  This makes me sublimely afraid.  The whole reason I started this medication was because my skin was crawling and I could barely sit still.  My concentration was crap.  I couldn't read or sit through a movie, or do hardly any of the things I enjoyed.  So, they put me on Adderall.  But, since I've had so many issues with anxiety lately, I guess he was reluctant to continue me on since the medicine can increase anxiety.  I was ready to trade off the increased anxiety, since I was starting a new (hopefully more helpful) anti-anxiety med, for the non-skin crawling feeling.  Now, it feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me.  I just don't know what to make of it, other than feeling upset.

I was sort of on a high all week from my date that I had on Sunday.  He apparently had such a good time that he wanted to talk to me the next day, so he called and we talked for an hour!  We then emailed all week and made plans to hang out tomorrow.  We differed on the times, so I emailed him yesterday and suggested a time and haven't heard back from him.  Does this mean that I should plan to see him at the time I suggested, or is he going to stand me up?  At times I feel too unstable to embark on a relationship.  My primary therapist mentioned today that she talked to my anxiety therapist and they are worried about me.  They are scared that if this relationship doesn't go well I am going to be totally devastated and do something to hurt myself, like start drinking again, start cutting again, or making plans to follow through on the suicidal thoughts that I already have.  I told her that I was worried about that too.  Already today since I've been checking my email every five minutes and seeing that I'm not getting a response from him, I've been feeling rejected, let down and overall like "maybe he doesn't like me after all".  I've had the thought to take a few extra sleeping pills tonight since I'm so anxious and I don't know how I'll be able to get through the night otherwise.  I really hope that I get to see him tomorrow.

Third Date

So, I had my third date with the guy I recently met.  I really made myself sick with worry prior to it, and during the date.  My anxiety is just unbearable.  I know part of it is the normal dating butterflies (which it's been a long time since I've experienced those, so it was hard to tell that that's what it was), but most of it was and is the general anxiety disorder, which absolutely sucks.  It feels like the more I try to control, the worse it gets.  The book I read, "Embracing the Fear", says that you need to let go of the need to control the anxiety, and just let it happen-that way, it will feel less consuming and be less of a big deal.  Yeah right!  I've tried relaxing, I've tried letting it happen-either way, it's just horrible.  My hands get sweaty, my heart beats out of my chest, I get itchy and twitchy all over, and I get sick to my stomach.  My mom asked me today if starting a relationship right now would be good for me, and I don't really want to sacrifice starting something with a great guy because I have mental problems and I'm crazy, you know?  I don't want to give in.  I don't want to give up and be stuck inside my house with my parents like I've done for the last year.  I know there's more to life than this and I deserve to find it.  Tonight he's supposed to call and just the anticipation of it has again, made me sick all day!  I need to get over this.  When I'm with him, I'm mostly fine.  I just need to remind myself that I'm not in danger, that I'm ok, and that he likes me for whom I am.  At least, I hope he does.

Some hope...hopefully

I couldn't sleep last night.  I woke up not even feeling tired either.  I think it's probably the mania.  I volunteered this morning which I was totally nervous about, stomach in knots, head hurting, because I would be on my own as my training was over, but I went anyway.  Part of me looked forward to going since it would be an opportunity for me to take a break for my thoughts and get out of my own head for a few hours.  I wouldn't have a chance to think about how bad I feel, or my upcoming date that I'm so nervous about, or the suicidal thoughts, or the mania that comes and goes.  The volunteering actually went well.  I brought joy to some people and someone actually told me I was beautiful which made me feel better since I've not had a good body image lately.

I picked up my new meds from the pharmacy today and I have a little bit of hope that the new anti-anxiety drug and the higher dosage of mood stablizer will help.  The Ativan no longer works on me and is pointless to take.  I'll be taking Buspar now and I'm really praying that it will help with the anxiety.  The doctor told me that taking the Adderall (which I take for concentration) which I thought was supposed to help with the anxiety, actually has the opposite affect.  However, I'm still going to continue taking it as it helps to keep my weight under control and it does help my concentration a little bit, and I need all the help I can get.  I also really hope that the higher dosage of Lamictal will help with the rapid cycling and the suicidal thoughts.  I think about running my car off the road, and taking a lot of sleeping pills. 

I don't have the things I want and I'm not where I want to be, but aside from the mood swings, the outside things in my life are ok.  I have a safe, comfortable place to live.  I have health insurance.  I am lucky to be getting assistance from the state.  I have a good volunteer position.  I am starting to make friends.  I don't know why I can't be pleased about that?  I'm trying really hard in DBT and anxiety therapy, but I'm kind of stuck.  I wish things were different.  So, I'm holding out a lot of hope for these meds.  I guess I'm thankful that the doctor listened to everything I said this week and made some changes.  I definitely needed them.

I saw this on another blog this week and it really spoke to me.  It's part of the song "Anthem" by Leonard Cohen.  Lately I'm trying to look for the light and find the happy moments in life, despite the sad moments, and mistakes trying to inch their way in.

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in."