"We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand...and melting like a snowflake. Let us use it before it is too late." -Marie Beynon Ray
Today, using the advice of a fellow blogger, I went to the psych doctor fully armed. I had my questions/concerns in hand: the ativan doesn't work anymore, the aderall doesn't seem to work all that great, and I'm rapid cycling with suicidal thoughts. When he heard about the suicidal thoughts I was afraid he wasn't going to let me go home-I started getting really nervous, but he just wanted to be sure I'd be safe I guess. He increased my mood stabilizer, put me on a new anti-anxiety med, and kept me on the same dosage of adderall. Overall, I'm pretty comfortable with the results of the appointment. I just hope these changes help. I hate having these suicidal thoughts, especially when things seem to be going ok for me, you know?
I have a third date with a guy this weekend, and I'm nervous already! The anxiety is absolutely overwhelming. Even though I had a good time on Monday when I saw him and I didn't feel that nervous, I'm kind of freaking out right now. I'm worried about whether or not I'll be able to find the place he wants to meet at, what I'm going to wear, whether or not I'll look fat, and what I'll do if he wants to hold hands? ( I have extremely clammy hands-especially when I'm nervous). I know I need to just be in the moment and not worry about the future, but that's so hard to do!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Rapid Cycling
I'm a rapid cycler, and I've definitely been rapid cycling lately. Up, down, up, down. When I'm up-I really feel up-euphoric, happy, elated! Like last week, I went to a symphony with my dad, came home, stayed up super late because sleep just seemed unimportant, and then got up, and felt utterly depressed the entire next day, with seemingly no explanation for it. Yesterday, I felt happy, albeit anxious, but excited because I had a second date with the guy I met on my retreat. Today, I woke up feeling tired and slow and re-running yesterdays events in my head and feeling stupid, sad, and hopeless. I just can't win! Tomorrow I see the doctor and I'm going to tell him that the ativan no longer works on me-even when I take six of them-nada. I'm also going to tell him about the mood swings and the adderall not really having much affect on the anxiety. He'll probably just tell me there's not much more he can do for me medicinally and that it's all up to therapy. Blast.
Friday, April 9, 2010
No Structure...Endless Rumination
"Guard well your spare moments. They are like uncut diamonds. Discard them and their value will never be known. Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life." Ralph Waldo Emerson
I have a lot of spare moments now that I'm not working. I guess I should appreciate them like a retired person or something since that means I can do lots of projects and get things done that I have always wanted to get done, but instead of looking at it that way, I see it as more time to be anxious, depressed and more time to ruminate about all the things I don't have, or am. For example:
-I don't have any friends nearby. I'm lonely. I spend nearly all my time with my parents whom I live with. I'm not stable enough to live on my own yet.
-It's been over a year since I've taken a drink and I still want one everyday. Will this feeling ever go away?
-I've been broken up with my ex for almost three years, yet I still think about him and go over our relationship in my head all the time. When will that end and when will I get a new boyfriend?
-I guess I'd have to go out and meet people to get a new boyfriend. I'm terrified of social situations. I have been trying to get out more to do them, but just last weekend I went out and had to pop 6mg of Ativan just to get myself out the door! When will that go away?
-I want to go to beauty school but don't feel strong enough yet to face the rigor of that challenge.
-I am anxious all the time. The adderall has helped the skin crawling feeling, but not the anxiety and even though I keep taking the ativan, it doesn't even work anymore.
-I am generally less depressed, but I keep rapid-cycling between hypo-mania and depression. It's like a rollercoaster ride, and not a fun one!
I'm sorry this is not a very fun blog to read today. I should just shut up and stop complaining. But like I mentioned earlier, with all of this time on my hands, this is what I go over and over with in my head all day long. I am grateful that I have good parents, especially a good mother who listens to me. I am also grateful that I have good therapists who care about me and my welfare. Hopefully they will continue to get me through these unstructured times and help me get the things I want out of life.
I have a lot of spare moments now that I'm not working. I guess I should appreciate them like a retired person or something since that means I can do lots of projects and get things done that I have always wanted to get done, but instead of looking at it that way, I see it as more time to be anxious, depressed and more time to ruminate about all the things I don't have, or am. For example:
-I don't have any friends nearby. I'm lonely. I spend nearly all my time with my parents whom I live with. I'm not stable enough to live on my own yet.
-It's been over a year since I've taken a drink and I still want one everyday. Will this feeling ever go away?
-I've been broken up with my ex for almost three years, yet I still think about him and go over our relationship in my head all the time. When will that end and when will I get a new boyfriend?
-I guess I'd have to go out and meet people to get a new boyfriend. I'm terrified of social situations. I have been trying to get out more to do them, but just last weekend I went out and had to pop 6mg of Ativan just to get myself out the door! When will that go away?
-I want to go to beauty school but don't feel strong enough yet to face the rigor of that challenge.
-I am anxious all the time. The adderall has helped the skin crawling feeling, but not the anxiety and even though I keep taking the ativan, it doesn't even work anymore.
-I am generally less depressed, but I keep rapid-cycling between hypo-mania and depression. It's like a rollercoaster ride, and not a fun one!
I'm sorry this is not a very fun blog to read today. I should just shut up and stop complaining. But like I mentioned earlier, with all of this time on my hands, this is what I go over and over with in my head all day long. I am grateful that I have good parents, especially a good mother who listens to me. I am also grateful that I have good therapists who care about me and my welfare. Hopefully they will continue to get me through these unstructured times and help me get the things I want out of life.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Sister, Sister
I have two sisters. My one sister hates me. My memory isn't so good since the ECT, so I don't really remember what our relationship was like before I was diagnosed, but I know that since I was diagnosed, she has practically hated my guts. She can barely stand to talk to me, and when she does she says mean things to me, inciting me to act outrageously and out of control. In an earlier blog I think I mentioned that I hit her when I got out of control once. My other sister loses her patience with me very easily and often choses not to talk to me, even when I call her to talk to her and make things ALL about her. Needless to say I long for a better relationship with both of my sisters but it is obvious that that is not going to happen.
So, knowing that I would get together with both of them today and that the potential for craziness and danger was high, my therapist left me a message last night, telling me to think with my wise mind and gently avoid them if situations started to appear like they were going to get out of control. Very good advice. The only problem is that when they say things to me, it is purely instinct that makes me act the way I do. All the DBT skills in the world just escape my mind, and I just don't seem to know how to use them. I've done pretty well so far today, but I've really just tried not to engage with the hateful, evil sister, and tried to maintain just a joking stance with the other sister. We'll see how the rest of the day goes. I'll be glad when both of them leave, I think.
So, knowing that I would get together with both of them today and that the potential for craziness and danger was high, my therapist left me a message last night, telling me to think with my wise mind and gently avoid them if situations started to appear like they were going to get out of control. Very good advice. The only problem is that when they say things to me, it is purely instinct that makes me act the way I do. All the DBT skills in the world just escape my mind, and I just don't seem to know how to use them. I've done pretty well so far today, but I've really just tried not to engage with the hateful, evil sister, and tried to maintain just a joking stance with the other sister. We'll see how the rest of the day goes. I'll be glad when both of them leave, I think.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
"I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship." Louisa May Alcott
I wish I could live by this quote, or better to say, I wish I was living by this quote. I am definitely afraid of the storms in my life. The anxiety, the bipolar, the borderline-I'm afraid of all of those things and all of the things that go along with those packages. I'm working on getting better and my therapist this week told me that I have to learn that I'm more than those things; that these diseases don't define me. That seems hard to believe at moments, especially when I'm so enveloped in the anxiety right now. I am happy to report that the depression seems to be getting a little better with each passing day-thanks to the Lamictal, and keeping myself surrounded with more positive things. Hopefully everything else just gets better with more time. I have to remember not to put a timeline on recovery, as author Judith Bemis says not to do. Happy Saturday to all!
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Halle Berry-haircut
I'm too sensitive. I know this. I also know it's part of the borderline personlity disorder. I have tried to grow a thicker skin, but to no avail. I got my haircut yesterday, and my hair was already short, but I went even shorter: aka Halle Berry in her super short hairstyle days. I think it looks cute. Plus, on days when I have trouble getting out of bed in the morning and getting going, it's super easy to style, which I appreciate.
When I came home, my dad said "could your hair be shorter, I think it's too long". He kept making comments like this the rest of yesterday and again today, to the point where I welled up with tears but he kept going. Couldn't he see how I was reacting to his commentary? Apparently not. My therapist said that I needed to communicate my feelings to him, but I feel like that would do no good, just cause an argument. So instead, I keep my mouth shut and continue to take it. I feel that that is better than a confrontation.
On a separate note, for some reason, I'm now having a mini-panic attack, for no reason at all, maybe my impending get together with my acquaintance tomorrow? I feel itchy all over, my heart is beating fast, and I feel like I have to keep moving-I can't sit still. I'm going to try and not take an Ativan and just sit through it. I'm going to Mass tonight. I hope I can sit still through that without too much trouble.
When I came home, my dad said "could your hair be shorter, I think it's too long". He kept making comments like this the rest of yesterday and again today, to the point where I welled up with tears but he kept going. Couldn't he see how I was reacting to his commentary? Apparently not. My therapist said that I needed to communicate my feelings to him, but I feel like that would do no good, just cause an argument. So instead, I keep my mouth shut and continue to take it. I feel that that is better than a confrontation.
On a separate note, for some reason, I'm now having a mini-panic attack, for no reason at all, maybe my impending get together with my acquaintance tomorrow? I feel itchy all over, my heart is beating fast, and I feel like I have to keep moving-I can't sit still. I'm going to try and not take an Ativan and just sit through it. I'm going to Mass tonight. I hope I can sit still through that without too much trouble.
Seeing a rainbow
"We may run, walk, stumble, drive, or fly, but let us never lose sight of the reason for the journey or miss a chance to see a rainbow along the way". - Gloria Gaither
It's been a crazy week. Or rather a crazy past couple of days. We did affirmation bags at the retreat, where people write nice things about you and stick them in a bag. There was a nice guy that I met ( I met a lot of nice people) through working on the leadership team, but I guess I told him that it was my dream to someday live in Paris and own a Mini-Cooper. He remembered that and wrote that he would pray that my dreams of owning a Mini-Cooper with Parisian license plates would come true. I thought this was really nice, so I emailed him and thanked him. Now, tomorrow night we're meeting up for a drink! I'm trying to be really casual about this and am telling myself that this is just a friend thing but my sister says it's a date. I'm not really sure. Either way, I'm nervous now and will probably be even more nervous tomorrow. I get really nervous about meeting and hanging out with people, even if it is someone I have already met.
I met with my DBT therapist today and told her that coming to DBT makes me nervous. She said she understood, which totally blew me away. She's an intimidating person, which is totally my hang-up, but she also said she was worried about what would happen to me once DBT was over. She is concerned that I won't practice my skills enough, or forget to use them when situations arise, and she's totally right. Even now, when crises come up, I get lost in the moment and forget to use my distress tolerance skills, or emotion regulation. It just escapes my mind. I get too caught up in the anxiety, depression or anger. I really need to work on it, I know.
Finally, today I met with the volunteer coordinator at the hospital that I volunteer at. The assignment that I had was making me too anxious. I was working with patients that were just depressing me too much and I felt like I wasn't bringing them any joy, and I certainly wasn't getting any joy out of it (even though I know volunteering is supposed to be a selfless act). Anyway, I just couldn't do it anymore, so I asked for a new assignment. Now I will no longer be doing patient care and will be working in the gift shop, which is great. I like retail, and there will probably be downtime so I'll get to read a book or do my needlepoint or something. That's always a plus. I keep going to Savers, Goodwill and SVDP, and collecting all these used books, but my concentration has been crap so I haven't been able to read. The Adderall has certainly not really helped with the concentration. I guess I just have to force myself to do things for longer periods of time.
The doctor did say (unfortunately) that there wasn't much more he could do for me medicinally, that I would have to rely on therapy to get me through these tough patches. I hate that! I wish I could just take a pill and make it all better-isn't that what medicine is for? I know that that is what therapy is also for-so that you don't have to take medicine, (I guess)? But some people just have to do both together, and I guess I'll be one of those that will have to do both for the rest of my life. Well, hopefully not the therapy part. Sometimes I run out of things to talk about, or just don't want to talk at all! I would rather just blog about it, you know? Anyway, I need to practice seeing rainbows in life and not making judgements and seeing the bad, I guess. It will get better at some point, right? Hey-I have a quasi-date tomorrow!
It's been a crazy week. Or rather a crazy past couple of days. We did affirmation bags at the retreat, where people write nice things about you and stick them in a bag. There was a nice guy that I met ( I met a lot of nice people) through working on the leadership team, but I guess I told him that it was my dream to someday live in Paris and own a Mini-Cooper. He remembered that and wrote that he would pray that my dreams of owning a Mini-Cooper with Parisian license plates would come true. I thought this was really nice, so I emailed him and thanked him. Now, tomorrow night we're meeting up for a drink! I'm trying to be really casual about this and am telling myself that this is just a friend thing but my sister says it's a date. I'm not really sure. Either way, I'm nervous now and will probably be even more nervous tomorrow. I get really nervous about meeting and hanging out with people, even if it is someone I have already met.
I met with my DBT therapist today and told her that coming to DBT makes me nervous. She said she understood, which totally blew me away. She's an intimidating person, which is totally my hang-up, but she also said she was worried about what would happen to me once DBT was over. She is concerned that I won't practice my skills enough, or forget to use them when situations arise, and she's totally right. Even now, when crises come up, I get lost in the moment and forget to use my distress tolerance skills, or emotion regulation. It just escapes my mind. I get too caught up in the anxiety, depression or anger. I really need to work on it, I know.
Finally, today I met with the volunteer coordinator at the hospital that I volunteer at. The assignment that I had was making me too anxious. I was working with patients that were just depressing me too much and I felt like I wasn't bringing them any joy, and I certainly wasn't getting any joy out of it (even though I know volunteering is supposed to be a selfless act). Anyway, I just couldn't do it anymore, so I asked for a new assignment. Now I will no longer be doing patient care and will be working in the gift shop, which is great. I like retail, and there will probably be downtime so I'll get to read a book or do my needlepoint or something. That's always a plus. I keep going to Savers, Goodwill and SVDP, and collecting all these used books, but my concentration has been crap so I haven't been able to read. The Adderall has certainly not really helped with the concentration. I guess I just have to force myself to do things for longer periods of time.
The doctor did say (unfortunately) that there wasn't much more he could do for me medicinally, that I would have to rely on therapy to get me through these tough patches. I hate that! I wish I could just take a pill and make it all better-isn't that what medicine is for? I know that that is what therapy is also for-so that you don't have to take medicine, (I guess)? But some people just have to do both together, and I guess I'll be one of those that will have to do both for the rest of my life. Well, hopefully not the therapy part. Sometimes I run out of things to talk about, or just don't want to talk at all! I would rather just blog about it, you know? Anyway, I need to practice seeing rainbows in life and not making judgements and seeing the bad, I guess. It will get better at some point, right? Hey-I have a quasi-date tomorrow!
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