Correction

The movie I saw was actually titled "Remember Me".  Sorry about that.

"Remember When"-PTSD

Today I went out to see "Remember When" with a new friend from my retreat group.  I, of course, had to take an extra Ativan before I left because I was frantic with anxiety, as it's been so long since I've gone out with a new friend.  So we went to the movie and were having a good time until **SPOILER ALERT**the movie ends with the characters being ungulfed in the events of 9-11.  I have PTSD regarding 9-11, and I started to desperately hide my increasing anxiety from my new friend so as she would not think I was crazy ( or crazier-I have already admitted to her that I am bipolar).  We went about the rest of our afternoon seemingly fine, until I blurted out that I am also a recovering alcoholic (stupid, stupid, stupid!), and then we went our separate ways.

So, to recover from my gaffe, and my terrible anxiety over a new experience and the feelings of PTSD, I went out and spent money I don't have on makeup that I don't really need.  I mean, I guess I could make an argument for needing the MAC oil control powder, but really-do I need the Lancome Bolole' lipgloss that doesn't really show up on my lips anyway?  I only bought it because I had the same shade a long time ago and I have good memories associated with it.  So, I was buying good memories today instead of wallowing in bad ones.  Ugh, not good.

Now, I'm sitting at the computer, waiting for my evening Ativan to kick in (anytime now, really-I'm just waiting), and my hands are just shaking and dripping with sweat.  My heart is pounding and I feel like my breath is getting caught in my chest.  I need to get over this and move on.  Nothing bad happened to me today (only to my bank account), and tomorrow is another chance to make it a better day.  I know I can do it, and with any luck hopefully my new "friend" will want to hang out again and not think I'm too much of a mess to have fun with.  Keep your fingers crossed.

"Find ecstasy in life; the mere sense of living is joy enough." Emily Dickinson

Today I saw my primary therapist.  My therapist for anxiety (secondary therapist) told me that I had to be honest with her and tell her about the unfortunate incident that happened with my sister on Friday, as well as the subsequent breakdown and cutting.  So, I did.  I told her all of it, and cried in her office-which I have never done.  I am proud to say I have never cried in her presence, mostly because I am intimidated by her.  She is a tough love sort of therapist.  But it felt good to get it all out and tell her how depressed I have been feeling and up and down, and crying a lot.  She gave good advice, and I did come away feeling better.

It comes down to using my DBT skills I guess.  She says that I have to stop in the moment and think about what I am doing and use my "wise mind" and not my "emotional mind".  I am REALLY going to have to work on that.  Plus, I'm going to have to find more joy in the activities that I enjoy, like the quote above implies.  I think I can do it.  I know I can (with the help of meds-of course).  :)

Obsessions

I have many obsessions.  All of which I have been told are part of my OCD (another label I hate).  Here I go:

Lipgloss; going to movies; buying books; anything Twilight; buying makeup; pens; stamps (the rubber kind); and basically anything that involves spending money on Amazon. 

I have now resolved that I will not spend any more money on Amazon-that I am cutting myself off.  We shall see how long this lasts. I need to save money!  Soon my disability checks will stop and I really will be in the poor house.  I need to save as much money as I can.  So, no more money on these little obsessions.  I hope I can stick to my guns!

Set back

I had a complete set back on Friday night.  I thought everything was fine.  I was still flying high from my great day on Wednesday and feeling ok, and then my evil sister stepped into the picture.  I try to avoid her at all costs.  I am learning in therapy that avoidance is really my best ally, since I have such an anger issue when it comes to her.  She just really sets me off!!!

So, my family and I went out to dinner and she and I rode home in one car and the rest of them rode home in another.  We got home first and had a heated exchange that involved kicking and name-calling (both of which I started).  I do regret both, as they were juvenile forms of behavior, but I just couldn't help it.  She was bossing me around in my own house, telling me what I couldn't and couldn't do and it just ignited a fire in me!  From there, I went on a downward spiral and cut myself-for the first time in over a year.  I wanted to cut so deep I would see blood, but that didn't happen, and I guess I am grateful.  Now, I am on a higher dosage of one of my meds-the effects of which are supposed to help lessen anger and rage.  I am a nice, kind-hearted person, why do I have rage!???????????????

Can this be?

Can this be?  Am I starting to feel a little better?  I can hardly believe it, and wonder if it is my involvement in more activities, or the combination of meds that is finally starting to do the trick.  I am now volunteering at the hospital, writing stories about new mothers and their babies-a happy process, but so nerve-wracking.  Yesterday was my first day, and as I was taking notes, the paper was dripping wet from my sweaty palms (disgusting, I know).  But, I made it through, and even had a good feeling in my heart once I was finished. 

Today I went to yoga in an attempt to use my un-used gym membership and try and get in some relaxing, meditation excercise.  It worked too!  My shoulders felt less tense, and although I felt a pounding in my head at the time of the workout, once we were finished, I felt good.  My brother would even be happy-at the end, we bowed and said "namaste".

More good things are happening too!  Yesterday I sold my ex's bike.  The one he saddled me with in "le divorce".  I am going to put the money in a fund labled "30th bday fund".  I hope to take a trip with that money.  Maybe back to MI, or to CA to see one of my good friends.  I haven't been out to see her in a while.  And this week I continued to feed my Amazon.com addiction-I got two new (actually used) cd's.  The "Fantasticks" soundtrack which reminds me of my favorite musical/play and a simpler time, and another Franz Ferdinand cd.  Plus, tonight we have company over and I've had to sit still for a really long time listening to stories about people I don't know, so I rushed into the den and ordered another soundtrack from my 2nd favorite musical-"Cabaret"-the one with Alan Cummings, because you just know that every other version doesn't compare!  Now, I secretly vow to myself to buy NO MORE things on Amazon and NO MORE lipgloss.  I bought another tube yesterday and today-both of which I hate.  I have become a gloss snob.  Unless I can try on a million tubes in the department store and find the perfect color, it just doesn't work for me.

So, that's all for now.  I am so happy that life is going better and pray that nothing breaks this spell.

Poem fitting for today

I Wandered Lonely As A Cloud by William Wordsworth


I wandered lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,

Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.



Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the milky way,

They stretched in never-ending line

Along the margin of a bay:

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,

Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.



The waves beside them danced, but they

Out-did the sparkling leaves in glee;

A poet could not be but gay,

In such a jocund company!

I gazed—and gazed—but little thought

What wealth the show to me had brought:



For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills,

And dances with the daffodils.