So much has happened

It's been a long time since I've written-almost a year!  I'm doing a lot better than I was then, but some things have still not changed.  I've been on the same meds for a few months now, but the mood stabilizer isn't helping much.  Part of me doesn't want to change it the next time I see the doctor, but another part of me wants to because I still feel depressed and am very easily agitated.  I have become ten times more sensitive than before I was diagnosed a few years ago.  I have to be very careful about what I read, what I hear, and what I see.  The littlest thing can set me off and destroy my day, and then ultimately cause me not to sleep at night.  The Xanax helps a bit, but I still deal with the anxiety a great deal.

I am in the process of looking for a job which is a great step forward.  But honestly, I am praying nothing is like the last experience I had with employment.  It just made me super sick and I ended up in the hospital.  I pray I don't have to go to the hospital ever again.  To make matters even more difficult I have had migraines since the beginning of the summer.  My therapist says it's because I can't handle my emotions, but I try my best and even then it doesn't seem to help much.  I think it will get better though.  I'm trying to make new friends, volunteering, and am going to AA.  I think I might be on the right track.

I wanted a drink...

I had family come in from out of town this weekend which was a lot of fun.  I felt like I could be myself, which lately is pretty quiet and very manic-happy at moments.  It was relaxing to a point.  I unfortunately had to spend time with my evil sister, who has got to be the most pretentious person on the planet.  She was civil to me and maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive to her bitchy antics, but she seemed just a bit less nice to me than to everyone else.  I don't think I'm imagining it.  I'm glad the weekend is over if only because that means I don't have to see her for a few days.

We went to a basketball game on Friday night and my cousins and sister all got beers.  I sat next to my cousin with his beer and the smell of it was so intoxicating.  Beer was never even my drink of choice, but I was just so entranced with this beer.  It was driving me crazy.  So, I need to double-dose the AA meetings this week.  I think I need some extra help especially since it's the holidays and it's hard for me to be around others while they are drinking and I clearly cannnot.

I've been having daily headaches/migraines for about 2 months.  It is really wearing on me.  I take loads of Tylenol, motrin, and excedrin migraine and nothing seems to help.  I don't know what to do.  My neurologist has basically had it with me since he knows I abuse meds and since he's tried everything he can try.  He says I need to seek out other methods like massage or accupuncture, but what he doesn't know is that I am on a very limited fixed income and can't afford methods like that.  I don't know what to do.  It's like pain is coming at me from several different angles and I feel very ill-equipped to deal with it.

It's been a long time...

I haven't written since June.  That's been partially on purpose and partially just because I have been unable to.

In June, everything came out-my drug abuse and continued cutting.  The straw that broke the camels' back, was when I got so stressed at work that I took a pair of scissors into the ladies room and just started cutting.  The next day my mother took me to the hospital.

I stayed at the hospital for 5 weeks.  It seems like so long ago and I feel a bit like a different person from then.  I met some amazing people-people that even if I don't see them ever again, I will still count them as friends.  One such friend was Carolina.  She got me to come out of my shell a little bit and actually start talking about the things that were bothering me.  She was released, but came back in and we became roommates.  She was my hospital bff.  We have since lost touch.  I pray for her often, and hope that she is ok. 

I went through several different sets of meds in the hospital before they found one that diminished my desire for suicide.  I got to go home then, and at that point it was already August!  My birthday month!  I came home to not knowing if my parents would let me stay-my dad had said that I had already been given so many chances-but I was allowed to stay and started a partial hospitalization program.  I went 5 days a week, all day, and had group therapy.  It was intense to say the least.  I was in that program for 8 weeks.  I made some friends through there that I still stay in touch with. 

Today, I feel ok.  I had to switch meds after being in the hospital (allergic reaction), and now I'm on Zyprexa, which I hate.  I have gained 20 pounds and feel ugly as sin.  My acne has reared it's ugly head as a result of the meds too.  I'm 30 years old!  Aren't I a little young for stretch marks, and a little old for acne?  I guess not. 

I persuaded my mom to let me go off the Zyprexa (as a trial I told her) to see if I could lose some weight and feel a little better.  I have just felt depressed and off kilter since Thanksgiving.  This is my favorite time of year!  What's the problem?  I can't put my finger on it.  Today was a good day.  I am hoping for more of the same tomorrow.

Having a tough time

I've made it through my third week of work, but just barely.  My mental situation is quickly deterioriating.  I have been hearing voices, I have a desire to run my car off the road while I'm driving, I want to start cutting again, and I've been od'ing and mixing meds.  Everyday I wake up for work and despite all of my cute outfits to wear and my new makeup and the great new people that I get to meet, I dread going into work.  I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I can hardly stand it.  It starts from the moment I wake up until the minute I go to bed.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with that same sense of dread and think of things I have to do during the next day. 

I saw my anxiety therapist two weeks ago and she wasn't really able to tell me much, other than to embrace the anxiety and let it happen.  This doesn't work for me.  I need to do something to get rid of it and be able to rest well at night and work comfortably during the day.  I went to my psychiatrist on Wednesday and had a panic attack in his office.  Tears and everything.  He told me that since my urges to hurt myself were strong and I was mixing meds, he thought I needed to be in the hospital.  That made me freak out even more and I told him no.  He said his concern was that I would end up like Michael Jackson or Heath Ledger, because they were mixing meds and that's how they met their ends.  I don't mean to kill myself, I just need to find a way to be able to live without the voices and the crippling anxiety.  That's why I've been self-medicating.

So, I've made it through the weekend.  The anxiety has been present the whole time.  Even when I was with my boyfriend.  I feel like I have to put on a happy face for him all the time, even though he knows everything about me.  It's just hard to feel like I have to be all things to all people, you know?

This week I have to determine whether or not I'll be able to keep this job.  I think I also need to go back to my shrink and get something else that works medicine wise.  I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday.  I hope that I can wait until then.

I made it

So, I made it through my first week of work, but just barely!!  I was, and still am an absolute nervous-wreck about this job.  I feel like I totally don't know what I'm doing.  I know that's probably normal, since I'm not supposed to know what I'm doing.  I am really good with the interpersonal skills piece, and the management piece, but here's what I'm not good with.  I was sort of thrown to the wolves in terms of not being trained.  The person I replaced immediately took on her new job so she hasn't really had time to train me, which is understandable.  I just feel like I don't know how to structure my day.  I definitely don't know the computer systems, where all the people are, where they belong, what their schedules, where the different departments are within the organization, who the key players are, or even what I'm going to be rated on within 90 days.  I'm so freaked out that I'm not going to do a good job.  I guess I don't really have anything to lose though.  I'm still going to be maintaining my disability payments, which is a good thing.  So, if I'm fired, I'll still have that as a backup.  Do you think I'll get fired?  Part of me really believes that I will.  I don't know if that's my negative self-esteem kicking in or what.

I went in on Saturday to work on a project that I had promised myself I would finish on Friday.  Unfortunately I just had too many fires to put out on Friday.  So I went in this weekend and made a huge to-do list for Tuesday.  I felt good about getting the project done, and cleaning off my desk.  But now that I know that I have to go back to work tomorrow, I have the butterfly feeling back.  I think that it is partly a good feeling, but partly a really overwhelmed and just scared feeling.  I don't know how to combat it.  I hope that it will go away the longer that I work there.  I just don't know though.  Maybe knowledge is power and will breed confidence.  I certainly hope so.  I am trying to create a feng shui work environment.  I am also desperately trying to remember all of the people that I work with, but there are just too many-over 200!!  I can't possibly be expected to remember all of those names and faces, can I?  I also have the worst memory ever, because of the ECT.  It's going to take a lot of practice to get things back to normal I think and I've been working on it for over a year now.  I just wish I could stop shaking.

Things are better with the bf.  We are having more open communication which is good.  We've been seeing each other for two months now.  It seems like so much longer just because we've already said I love you, and we seem to know each other's darkest secrets, at least I hope that I know his darket secret!  Last night he met my parents and I think it went pretty well.  He is painfully shy, so he didn't talk too much, but when my parents asked him direct questions he answered pretty well, I think.  A few nights ago he told me that he wasn't dating just to date, he was dating because he wanted to get married.  And last night he said that he hated being apart from me-that he missed me when we weren't together.  My sister thinks he'll propose soon.  I don't really know how I feel about this.  I know that I miss him when we're not together too, and I wish we could be together all the time.  BUT-he's got this huge issue that needs to be totally taken care of before I think about the happily ever after part.  It's a dealbreaker, that's for sure.  Plus, I want to have all of my ducks in a row too.  I would be happy to be engaged now, but I wouldn't want to be married until my health was totally ok-meaning that I have to stop hearing voices first.  I have been hearing them for about two weeks now.  I am not sure if it's stress or what, but it's driving me crazy.  They aren't saying the bad things like they usually do, but still...it's unsettling.  I also want to be settled in my job before I get married.  Then again, I'm probably getting totally ahead of myself.  He probably doesn't even want to marry me.  We'll see I guess.

That's all for now. 

Feeling good and bad at the same time

I've had a bit of good news!!  I got a job!!  It's my first real job in over two years.  I'll be back in corporate America, managing people again.  I'll have my own office and an assistant!  I can hardly believe it. I'll be making money and contributing to society.  It hardly seems real.  Tomorrow is my first day.  I feel so excited but so nervous at the same time.  Will I do a good job?  Will I live up to the image I sold at the interview?  Will I be able to withstand the stress?  I think that is the most pressing question at the time, really.  It's going to be a big change from staying home all day, checking my email a million times, writing back and forth to my boyfriend, and going to therapy appointments and cleaning house.  I'm glad to be back out there, but what if the stress becomes too much and I relapse?  I don't think I'll be able to stand it if that happens.  I've gotten a lot of second chances at living in the last three years-I don't want to waste this chance.

On a sad and strange note, I'm not sure things are going too well with my boyfriend.  When I found out that I got the job on Thursday, I emailed him right away and I expected that he would call me that night and congratulate me and ask me detailed questions about what I would be doing, but nothing.  We talked on the phone the next night, but I was too chickensh** to say anything to him about my annoyance over the phone, so I emailed him when I got off.  That was Friday.  I haven't heard anything from him since.  Now it's Sunday and I start my new job tomorrow and I would have hoped that he would call me tonight to wish me luck, and nothing.  He's acting like a bas*****.  I thought he loved me?  Why is he behaving his way?  Am I overreacting?  I don't think so.  Maybe I am just hypersensitive though.  I don't know.

I think my meds are off.  I have been hearing voices and having almost out-of-body experiences lately.   I take loxapine (anti-psychotic) to help with hearing voices, but it hasn't been working the last few days.  I just hear screaming in my head and I can't shut it up.  The out-of-body experiences are weird too.  It feels like my head and hands are bigger than my body.  I can't stop those things either.  It's just so strange!  Plus, the Lamictal is making me very itchy and giving me a rash.  I need to be on the 200mg because it helps with the suicidal thoughts, but the side effects suck.

I sincerely hope that the happiness of the job will outweigh all of the other crappy things that are going on in my life.  I also hope that my bf doesn't end things with me.  He has a habit, he's told me, of freezing people out when things get bad.  I hope he's not doing that to me.

Relapse

It's been a crazy past couple of days, or at least that's what it feels like to me.  Over the weekend I was a nervous wreck.  I had to take some Ativan just to calm down and it helped a little, but not enough.  I have been terribly worried about money lately.  My disability is running out and with my insurance payments so high, I don't know how I'll make it.  I know I live with my parents and I shouldn't really have any expenses, but I do.  I pay for all my doctor bills, my massive amounts of meds, gas to get up to the city which is several times a week, and times out with my boyfriend.  It adds up really quickly.  I haven't been able to sleep much these last few days with these nagging money worries.  I'm just so terrified that I'll run out of money this month.  I called my credit card company and asked that they issue me a new CC since I cut my other one up when I became debt free.  I know it's not wise to get myself into the money trap again, but there are certain things that I just can't afford right now.  Plus, what if I have an emergency?  I can't rely on my parents, and I need to have a backup plan.  This is the best I can do for right now.

I was worried that my boyfriend would change his mind after our discussion on Friday about my bipolar disorder.  I sent him an email on Friday night after we saw each other, thanking him for being so understanding.  I didn't hear anything back.  So, my sister and I met up with him for dinner Saturday night.  He was affectionate-putting his arm around me and such, but otherwise I wasn't overly impressed with how dinner went.  I wasn't sure if it was because of me, or if it was him.  He didn't really talk much and I could feel that my sister was just intimidating him, which sucks!!  And, when the bill came he didn't even attempt to reach for it.  My sister took care of it and I later paid her back.  I was not impressed by that.  He should have at least tried to pay.  I guess it may have been because I invited him out and he pays for me every other time we go out?  I'm not sure.  So on Sunday morning, I emailed him and never heard anything back from him all day.  I was convinced it was over.  I even went to a dating site that I used to use!  Why I did that, I'll never know.  But, he called me on Sunday night.  Everything was fine.

We talked for a long time on Sunday night.  He wanted to talk more about my bipolar disorder.  I'm not ready to tell him the whole sordid truth-that I've been hospitalized three times in the last two years, that I have suicidal thoughts, that I've had ECT, that I have borderline personality disorder and that I'm a recovering alcoholic.  I feel like it's just too much for someone to take.  He told me I could tell him when I feel ready and that he would try and be as understanding as possible.  Then, out of nowhere he told me that he had a certain addiction problem.  I was shocked!  He seems so quiet and reserved-I never would have guessed this of him.  When I asked if he still did it, he said yes.  I felt sick to my stomach.  He was waiting on the other end of the line for me to say something, so I had to talk, and fast, so I thanked him for telling me.  I was trying to make sense of it in my head and I just couldn't.  I still can't.  I made him promise me that the next time he felt like he was slipping that he would call me instead of doing something.  He promised.  Then, before we hung up, we told each other I love you.

I have been questioning whether it is still ok for me to love him, in spite of what he told me.  I talked to my bff today and she told me that it says a lot about him that he trusted me enough to tell me his secret.  We both agreed that he really must love me.  She said that we're both coming to the relationship with baggage and that that is ok and that we both have to learn how to deal with each other's mental illnesses (mine basically) and addictions.  I agree with her.  I do love him and want to continue feeling this way, so I'll try to be understanding, just like he is of me and learn how to deal.

Finally, on Mother's Day my whole family was going to toast with champagne.  All I wanted was a sip.  I made a move like I was going for it and my sister and mom made a spectacle out of telling me no.  I immeadiately went to my room and cried.  I had to pull it together fast because we were going to have brunch and I didn't want to see how upset I was, but still, it was humiliating and embarassing to be told "no" like a child.  I am an adult and if I choose to have a small, sip of champagne that should be my own decision, right?  Later, when everyone was out of the house, I took the bottle and took a long drink of it.  In one moment I end a year+ of sobriety.  I felt stupid afterwards, but part of me felt good.  Like I asserted my independence and did something I wanted to do.  I know now that it was probably wrong.  I'll have to work extra hard to make sure that it doesn't happen again.

Love

So, I finally told my boyfriend about the bipolar disorder.  My friend told me the other day that I needed to tell him soon, that if I waited much longer it would continue to drive me crazy and that he needed to know sooner rather than later.  I agreed with her.  I asked her how it would come up?  How does one bring up something like this?  She said that somehow it would find it's way into conversation.  That's exactly what happened.

I asked him earlier on our date tonight if he could have any other job, what would he be?  He replied "a psychologist".  He then proceeded to tell me about his experience in seeing a counselor and his bout with depression several years ago.  Apparently, a counselor told him that he needed to take medication and he scoffed at that.  Instantly I started to get uncomfortable and I think he could read my body language.  I asked him if he didn't believe in taking meds and he said that he believed that for some people it was necessary.  I saw this as my perfect opportunity.  I could be brave and tell him, or I could be a chickensh** and not do it. I decided to just rip the bandaid off and go for it.  I told him that I took medication, and that I saw two therapists a week and he asked what for.  I then told him about the bipolar disorder.  He told me his sister had the same thing.  He asked how long I had it and I told him.  I was shaking and couldn't make eye contact with him I was so freaked out.  I told him that if he didn't want to date me anymore, I would understand.  He waited until I looked at him and then said that he liked me as a person, as a friend and as his girlfriend and that he loved me and that this didn't change that.  Him telling me that he loved me made me feel a little better, but I was still uneasy.

We went to a party after dinner and each kind of mingled in our own separate groups.  When it came time for us to leave at the end of the night, he walked me to my car and said "about that thing you told me-I know you're not perfect-I'm not perfect either.  I still love you.  I love you".  That made me feel better.  Then, for the first time, I told him I loved him, and I really meant it.  I just hope now that he stays with me and doesn't break my heart.  I hope he doesn't wake up tomorrow and decide that he doesn't want to be with a crazy girl.  Please, don't let him decide that.  I would be devastated at this point.  I didn't want to let myself love or need him, but I'm past that point.  It sucks!  I mean, being in love is a good thing, but the being vulnerable part-I hate it!  I'll say a prayer tonight that he stays with me.  I hope that God is listening.

"When It's You Against Them"

My aunt sent me a book the other day titled "When It's You Against Them".  It's all about the importance of being positive.  I feel like I'm on positivity overload lately.  I've been employing a technique that I've learned in DBT called "acting the opposite".  It's exactly as it sounds.  If you're feeling a little down, or angry, or whatever, just act the opposite of how you feel which would be happy or positive.  I've taken some cues from this book.  I haven't been feeling bad per se, but definitely anxious, on edge and a having some rage issues, especially with my mom.  She just keeps saying things to set me off!  Today for example I went to get my hair done.  It's already super short, but in a stylish way.  I came home and told her I got my hair done and in a snotty way, she said "was that really necessary"?  I blew up at her!!  Was it really necessary for her to make a bullsh** remark about my hair?  I don't think so.  But of course, I was immeadiately filled with remorse for having acted out, so I tried acting the opposite.  The only problem with this method is that it can sometimes leave you feeling like a phony.

Other times, it can leave you feeling really good.  I've been spending at least two times a week with my new boyfriend now.  I don't act melancholy at all around him because that's not how I feel.  But, I am definitely nervous, so I try and act as confident as I can, which I know, doesn't always come across, I am sure.  But at some point, the mask is going to have to come off and he is going to have to know that I'm a nervous person, that I have mood swings, that I hear voices and that I'm a recovering alcoholic.  That is just so much to throw at a person!  I know I've already said this in past blogs, but this is on my mind so much-I just hope he takes it well.  Last night he told me he loved me again (this is the second time he's said it) and I told him I was falling in love with him too.  I sincerely hope that if he loves me, he can accept all of me-including my flaws.  We'll see.  I hope that I can get my happily ever after.

"Hope floods my heart with delight!
Running on air, mad with life
dizzy, reeling,
Upward I mount-faith is sight,
life is feeling,
Hope is the day-star of might!" -Margaret Witter-Fuller

Cautious Optimism

I'm waiting for my world to be rocked.  I really like this new guy.  We're going on our sixth date tomorrow and the more time we spend together, the less sure of myself I am.  I doubt everything he feels for me and I feel like the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath me.  I know I'm being totally crazy and neurotic and I don't know how much of it is my disease talking, or me just being a girl.  He said he loved me and I didn't say it back and I don't know if he feels rejected, but he hasn't said it again.  I kind of want him to, even though I sort of freaked out when he said it the first time.  But, even if he did say it again, I'm not sure I would believe it!  I know it's not based on the physical which is awesome because it's totally unlike my other relationships in that way, but part of me is still really unsure.  We don't even know everything there is to know about each other yet and he doesn't know the worst thing about me-the disease part!  What happens when he finds out?  Will he decide that he doesn't love me anymore?  I don't think I can deal with that!

My anxiety therapist says I need to be cautiously optimistic.  That sounds like a simple phrase to grasp, but I'm not even sure I know what that means!  I feel like I'm putting all of my eggs in one basket.  In one respect, I feel like at any moment the floor will drop from underneath me and I'll be utterly disappointed and heartbroken, but in another respect I feel the marriage clock ticking and I feel like he could be "the one".  And not just because the clock is ticking either.  He really does have amazing qualities.  More than anything I just want the anxiety to stop, to enjoy the ride, and for this to end in a happily ever after.  I feel like I deserve a happy ending after the last two years of absolute sh**.  I hope that this comes true for me.

When do I tell him?

So, I ended up hearing from my guy on Friday morning.  He said he couldn't wait to see me that night, so I didn't get stood up after all.  Sigh of relief!  We went out and had a great time.  And then, before we were about to part ways, he told me he loved me!  We've only gone out four times, but it feels like we've been seeing each other for longer than a month since each time we hang out it's for like 8 hours at a time.  I was so happy/freaked out/nervous at his declaration that I couldn't think of anything to do but kiss him.  I couldn't say it back.  I'm impulsive about everything else in my life but saying those three little, very serious, words.  I don't know how he felt about me not saying it back.  We did decide to be exclusive though, so that's one thing I can check off my New Year's Resolution list.  Boyfriend-check!

This comes with a price though, I think.  How do I tell him I have mental problems?  I can't even begin to describe the anxiety I feel about this.  I guess it helps a little to know that he loves me.  If he already loves me, he has to love all of me, right?  At least, that would be my hope.  And it's not like he knows everything about my personality now and he already loves me, right?  Plus, how long do I continue to date him before I tell him?  My therapist said it's not necessary to tell a person everything at once-they should get to know you first, and I think she's right, but he's already said he loves me!  I don't want to lead him on, and I don't want to get heartbroken if he decides not to care about me anymore.  I've already been devastated once-that's more than enough for me.  I pray that things will go well.  I'm already falling for this guy, which is not something I expected.  Please, let things go well.

I am slowly going crazy

Today was not a good day.  My Adderall ran out yesterday.  I called the doctor's office to ask for a refill and they told me that the doctor wants me to discontinue it.  This makes me sublimely afraid.  The whole reason I started this medication was because my skin was crawling and I could barely sit still.  My concentration was crap.  I couldn't read or sit through a movie, or do hardly any of the things I enjoyed.  So, they put me on Adderall.  But, since I've had so many issues with anxiety lately, I guess he was reluctant to continue me on since the medicine can increase anxiety.  I was ready to trade off the increased anxiety, since I was starting a new (hopefully more helpful) anti-anxiety med, for the non-skin crawling feeling.  Now, it feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me.  I just don't know what to make of it, other than feeling upset.

I was sort of on a high all week from my date that I had on Sunday.  He apparently had such a good time that he wanted to talk to me the next day, so he called and we talked for an hour!  We then emailed all week and made plans to hang out tomorrow.  We differed on the times, so I emailed him yesterday and suggested a time and haven't heard back from him.  Does this mean that I should plan to see him at the time I suggested, or is he going to stand me up?  At times I feel too unstable to embark on a relationship.  My primary therapist mentioned today that she talked to my anxiety therapist and they are worried about me.  They are scared that if this relationship doesn't go well I am going to be totally devastated and do something to hurt myself, like start drinking again, start cutting again, or making plans to follow through on the suicidal thoughts that I already have.  I told her that I was worried about that too.  Already today since I've been checking my email every five minutes and seeing that I'm not getting a response from him, I've been feeling rejected, let down and overall like "maybe he doesn't like me after all".  I've had the thought to take a few extra sleeping pills tonight since I'm so anxious and I don't know how I'll be able to get through the night otherwise.  I really hope that I get to see him tomorrow.

Third Date

So, I had my third date with the guy I recently met.  I really made myself sick with worry prior to it, and during the date.  My anxiety is just unbearable.  I know part of it is the normal dating butterflies (which it's been a long time since I've experienced those, so it was hard to tell that that's what it was), but most of it was and is the general anxiety disorder, which absolutely sucks.  It feels like the more I try to control, the worse it gets.  The book I read, "Embracing the Fear", says that you need to let go of the need to control the anxiety, and just let it happen-that way, it will feel less consuming and be less of a big deal.  Yeah right!  I've tried relaxing, I've tried letting it happen-either way, it's just horrible.  My hands get sweaty, my heart beats out of my chest, I get itchy and twitchy all over, and I get sick to my stomach.  My mom asked me today if starting a relationship right now would be good for me, and I don't really want to sacrifice starting something with a great guy because I have mental problems and I'm crazy, you know?  I don't want to give in.  I don't want to give up and be stuck inside my house with my parents like I've done for the last year.  I know there's more to life than this and I deserve to find it.  Tonight he's supposed to call and just the anticipation of it has again, made me sick all day!  I need to get over this.  When I'm with him, I'm mostly fine.  I just need to remind myself that I'm not in danger, that I'm ok, and that he likes me for whom I am.  At least, I hope he does.

Some hope...hopefully

I couldn't sleep last night.  I woke up not even feeling tired either.  I think it's probably the mania.  I volunteered this morning which I was totally nervous about, stomach in knots, head hurting, because I would be on my own as my training was over, but I went anyway.  Part of me looked forward to going since it would be an opportunity for me to take a break for my thoughts and get out of my own head for a few hours.  I wouldn't have a chance to think about how bad I feel, or my upcoming date that I'm so nervous about, or the suicidal thoughts, or the mania that comes and goes.  The volunteering actually went well.  I brought joy to some people and someone actually told me I was beautiful which made me feel better since I've not had a good body image lately.

I picked up my new meds from the pharmacy today and I have a little bit of hope that the new anti-anxiety drug and the higher dosage of mood stablizer will help.  The Ativan no longer works on me and is pointless to take.  I'll be taking Buspar now and I'm really praying that it will help with the anxiety.  The doctor told me that taking the Adderall (which I take for concentration) which I thought was supposed to help with the anxiety, actually has the opposite affect.  However, I'm still going to continue taking it as it helps to keep my weight under control and it does help my concentration a little bit, and I need all the help I can get.  I also really hope that the higher dosage of Lamictal will help with the rapid cycling and the suicidal thoughts.  I think about running my car off the road, and taking a lot of sleeping pills. 

I don't have the things I want and I'm not where I want to be, but aside from the mood swings, the outside things in my life are ok.  I have a safe, comfortable place to live.  I have health insurance.  I am lucky to be getting assistance from the state.  I have a good volunteer position.  I am starting to make friends.  I don't know why I can't be pleased about that?  I'm trying really hard in DBT and anxiety therapy, but I'm kind of stuck.  I wish things were different.  So, I'm holding out a lot of hope for these meds.  I guess I'm thankful that the doctor listened to everything I said this week and made some changes.  I definitely needed them.

I saw this on another blog this week and it really spoke to me.  It's part of the song "Anthem" by Leonard Cohen.  Lately I'm trying to look for the light and find the happy moments in life, despite the sad moments, and mistakes trying to inch their way in.

"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything,
That's how the light gets in."

Too many fruitsnacks

I keep oscillating between depressed and manic.  Yesterday I bought a box of 6 fruitsnacks and downed three of them right away.  I immeadiately felt fat and hated myself for eating them, but I was feeling so depressed and suicidal I felt like I would eat away my troubles.  It obviously didn't work.  Now I'm worried I'll have a double-chin for my date on Sunday. 

I slept late today just because I couldn't face getting out of bed, and when I finally did, all I wanted to do was get back in bed so I could take a sleeping pill and get away from ruminating and worrying.  I stayed awake though and threw my Ipod on and launched myself into housework.  That helped a little.

I'm also feeling a little agoraphobic.  I was supposed to go to yoga, but couldn't make myself leave the house.  I was invited to go dancing on Saturday but I'm so afraid to leave the comfort of my house and to be around alcohol (without drinking any) that I'm not sure I'll be able to force myself to go.  All of these things add up to me feeling more suicidal.  I don't want to feel this way, but I can't seem to help it.  I hope that the increased mood stablizer helps.

Using my moments

"We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand...and melting like a snowflake.  Let us use it before it is too late."  -Marie Beynon Ray

Today, using the advice of a fellow blogger, I went to the psych doctor fully armed.  I had my questions/concerns in hand:  the ativan doesn't work anymore, the aderall doesn't seem to work all that great, and I'm rapid cycling with suicidal thoughts.  When he heard about the suicidal thoughts I was afraid he wasn't going to let me go home-I started getting really nervous, but he just wanted to be sure I'd be safe I guess.  He increased my mood stabilizer, put me on a new anti-anxiety med, and kept me on the same dosage of adderall.  Overall, I'm pretty comfortable with the results of the appointment.  I just hope these changes help.  I hate having these suicidal thoughts, especially when things seem to be going ok for me, you know? 

I have a third date with a guy this weekend, and I'm nervous already!  The anxiety is absolutely overwhelming.  Even though I had a good time on Monday when I saw him and I didn't feel that nervous, I'm kind of freaking out right now.  I'm worried about whether or not I'll be able to find the place he wants to meet at, what I'm going to wear, whether or not I'll look fat, and what I'll do if he wants to hold hands?  ( I have extremely clammy hands-especially when I'm nervous).  I know I need to just be in the moment and not worry about the future, but that's so hard to do!

Rapid Cycling

I'm a rapid cycler, and I've definitely been rapid cycling lately.  Up, down, up, down.  When I'm up-I really feel up-euphoric, happy, elated!  Like last week, I went to a symphony with my dad, came home, stayed up super late because sleep just seemed unimportant, and then got up, and felt utterly depressed the entire next day, with seemingly no explanation for it.  Yesterday, I felt happy, albeit anxious, but excited because I had a second date with the guy I met on my retreat.  Today, I woke up feeling tired and slow and re-running yesterdays events in my head and feeling stupid, sad, and hopeless.  I just can't win!  Tomorrow I see the doctor and I'm going to tell him that the ativan no longer works on me-even when I take six of them-nada.  I'm also going to tell him about the mood swings and the adderall not really having much affect on the anxiety.  He'll probably just tell me there's not much more he can do for me medicinally and that it's all up to therapy.  Blast.

No Structure...Endless Rumination

"Guard well your spare moments.  They are like uncut diamonds.  Discard them and their value will never be known.  Improve them and they will become the brightest gems in a useful life."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have a lot of spare moments now that I'm not working.  I guess I should appreciate them like a retired person or something since that means I can do lots of projects and get things done that I have always wanted to get done, but instead of looking at it that way, I see it as more time to be anxious, depressed and more time to ruminate about all the things I don't have, or am.  For example:

-I don't have any friends nearby.  I'm lonely.  I spend nearly all my time with my parents whom I live with. I'm not stable enough to live on my own yet.
-It's been over a year since I've taken a drink and I still want one everyday.  Will this feeling ever go away?
-I've been broken up with my ex for almost three years, yet I still think about him and go over our relationship in my head all the time.  When will that end and when will I get a new boyfriend?
-I guess I'd have to go out and meet people to get a new boyfriend.  I'm terrified of social situations.  I have been trying to get out more to do them, but just last weekend I went out and had to pop 6mg of Ativan just to get myself out the door!  When will that go away?
-I want to go to beauty school but don't feel strong enough yet to face the rigor of that challenge.
-I am anxious all the time.  The adderall has helped the skin crawling feeling, but not the anxiety and even though I keep taking the ativan, it doesn't even work anymore.
-I am generally less depressed, but I keep rapid-cycling between hypo-mania and depression.  It's like a rollercoaster ride, and not a fun one!

I'm sorry this is not a very fun blog to read today.  I should just shut up and stop complaining.  But like I mentioned earlier, with all of this time on my hands, this is what I go over and over with in my head all day long.  I am grateful that I have good parents, especially a good mother who listens to me.  I am also grateful that I have good therapists who care about me and my welfare.  Hopefully they will continue to get me through these unstructured times and help me get the things I want out of life.

Sister, Sister

I have two sisters.  My one sister hates me.  My memory isn't so good since the ECT, so I don't really remember what our relationship was like before I was diagnosed, but I know that since I was diagnosed, she has practically hated my guts.  She can barely stand to talk to me, and when she does she says mean things to me, inciting me to act outrageously and out of control.  In an earlier blog I think I mentioned that I hit her when I got out of control once.  My other sister loses her patience with me very easily and often choses not to talk to me, even when I call her to talk to her and make things ALL about her.  Needless to say I long for a better relationship with both of my sisters but it is obvious that that is not going to happen.

So, knowing that I would get together with both of them today and that the potential for craziness and danger was high, my therapist left me a message last night, telling me to think with my wise mind and gently avoid them if situations started to appear like they were going to get out of control.  Very good advice.  The only problem is that when they say things to me, it is purely instinct that makes me act the way I do.  All the DBT skills in the world just escape my mind, and I just don't seem to know how to use them.  I've done pretty well so far today, but I've really just tried not to engage with the hateful, evil sister, and tried to maintain just a joking stance with the other sister.  We'll see how the rest of the day goes.  I'll be glad when both of them leave, I think.

"I am not afraid of storms for I am learning how to sail my ship." Louisa May Alcott

I wish I could live by this quote, or better to say, I wish I was living by this quote.  I am definitely afraid of the storms in my life.  The anxiety, the bipolar, the borderline-I'm afraid of all of those things and all of the things that go along with those packages.  I'm working on getting better and my therapist this week told me that I have to learn that I'm more than those things; that these diseases don't define me.  That seems hard to believe at moments, especially when I'm so enveloped in the anxiety right now.  I am happy to report that the depression seems to be getting a little better with each passing day-thanks to the Lamictal, and keeping myself surrounded with more positive things.  Hopefully everything else just gets better with more time.  I have to remember not to put a timeline on recovery, as author Judith Bemis says not to do.  Happy Saturday to all!