So much has happened

It's been a long time since I've written-almost a year!  I'm doing a lot better than I was then, but some things have still not changed.  I've been on the same meds for a few months now, but the mood stabilizer isn't helping much.  Part of me doesn't want to change it the next time I see the doctor, but another part of me wants to because I still feel depressed and am very easily agitated.  I have become ten times more sensitive than before I was diagnosed a few years ago.  I have to be very careful about what I read, what I hear, and what I see.  The littlest thing can set me off and destroy my day, and then ultimately cause me not to sleep at night.  The Xanax helps a bit, but I still deal with the anxiety a great deal.

I am in the process of looking for a job which is a great step forward.  But honestly, I am praying nothing is like the last experience I had with employment.  It just made me super sick and I ended up in the hospital.  I pray I don't have to go to the hospital ever again.  To make matters even more difficult I have had migraines since the beginning of the summer.  My therapist says it's because I can't handle my emotions, but I try my best and even then it doesn't seem to help much.  I think it will get better though.  I'm trying to make new friends, volunteering, and am going to AA.  I think I might be on the right track.

I wanted a drink...

I had family come in from out of town this weekend which was a lot of fun.  I felt like I could be myself, which lately is pretty quiet and very manic-happy at moments.  It was relaxing to a point.  I unfortunately had to spend time with my evil sister, who has got to be the most pretentious person on the planet.  She was civil to me and maybe I'm just hyper-sensitive to her bitchy antics, but she seemed just a bit less nice to me than to everyone else.  I don't think I'm imagining it.  I'm glad the weekend is over if only because that means I don't have to see her for a few days.

We went to a basketball game on Friday night and my cousins and sister all got beers.  I sat next to my cousin with his beer and the smell of it was so intoxicating.  Beer was never even my drink of choice, but I was just so entranced with this beer.  It was driving me crazy.  So, I need to double-dose the AA meetings this week.  I think I need some extra help especially since it's the holidays and it's hard for me to be around others while they are drinking and I clearly cannnot.

I've been having daily headaches/migraines for about 2 months.  It is really wearing on me.  I take loads of Tylenol, motrin, and excedrin migraine and nothing seems to help.  I don't know what to do.  My neurologist has basically had it with me since he knows I abuse meds and since he's tried everything he can try.  He says I need to seek out other methods like massage or accupuncture, but what he doesn't know is that I am on a very limited fixed income and can't afford methods like that.  I don't know what to do.  It's like pain is coming at me from several different angles and I feel very ill-equipped to deal with it.

It's been a long time...

I haven't written since June.  That's been partially on purpose and partially just because I have been unable to.

In June, everything came out-my drug abuse and continued cutting.  The straw that broke the camels' back, was when I got so stressed at work that I took a pair of scissors into the ladies room and just started cutting.  The next day my mother took me to the hospital.

I stayed at the hospital for 5 weeks.  It seems like so long ago and I feel a bit like a different person from then.  I met some amazing people-people that even if I don't see them ever again, I will still count them as friends.  One such friend was Carolina.  She got me to come out of my shell a little bit and actually start talking about the things that were bothering me.  She was released, but came back in and we became roommates.  She was my hospital bff.  We have since lost touch.  I pray for her often, and hope that she is ok. 

I went through several different sets of meds in the hospital before they found one that diminished my desire for suicide.  I got to go home then, and at that point it was already August!  My birthday month!  I came home to not knowing if my parents would let me stay-my dad had said that I had already been given so many chances-but I was allowed to stay and started a partial hospitalization program.  I went 5 days a week, all day, and had group therapy.  It was intense to say the least.  I was in that program for 8 weeks.  I made some friends through there that I still stay in touch with. 

Today, I feel ok.  I had to switch meds after being in the hospital (allergic reaction), and now I'm on Zyprexa, which I hate.  I have gained 20 pounds and feel ugly as sin.  My acne has reared it's ugly head as a result of the meds too.  I'm 30 years old!  Aren't I a little young for stretch marks, and a little old for acne?  I guess not. 

I persuaded my mom to let me go off the Zyprexa (as a trial I told her) to see if I could lose some weight and feel a little better.  I have just felt depressed and off kilter since Thanksgiving.  This is my favorite time of year!  What's the problem?  I can't put my finger on it.  Today was a good day.  I am hoping for more of the same tomorrow.

Having a tough time

I've made it through my third week of work, but just barely.  My mental situation is quickly deterioriating.  I have been hearing voices, I have a desire to run my car off the road while I'm driving, I want to start cutting again, and I've been od'ing and mixing meds.  Everyday I wake up for work and despite all of my cute outfits to wear and my new makeup and the great new people that I get to meet, I dread going into work.  I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I can hardly stand it.  It starts from the moment I wake up until the minute I go to bed.  Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night with that same sense of dread and think of things I have to do during the next day. 

I saw my anxiety therapist two weeks ago and she wasn't really able to tell me much, other than to embrace the anxiety and let it happen.  This doesn't work for me.  I need to do something to get rid of it and be able to rest well at night and work comfortably during the day.  I went to my psychiatrist on Wednesday and had a panic attack in his office.  Tears and everything.  He told me that since my urges to hurt myself were strong and I was mixing meds, he thought I needed to be in the hospital.  That made me freak out even more and I told him no.  He said his concern was that I would end up like Michael Jackson or Heath Ledger, because they were mixing meds and that's how they met their ends.  I don't mean to kill myself, I just need to find a way to be able to live without the voices and the crippling anxiety.  That's why I've been self-medicating.

So, I've made it through the weekend.  The anxiety has been present the whole time.  Even when I was with my boyfriend.  I feel like I have to put on a happy face for him all the time, even though he knows everything about me.  It's just hard to feel like I have to be all things to all people, you know?

This week I have to determine whether or not I'll be able to keep this job.  I think I also need to go back to my shrink and get something else that works medicine wise.  I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday.  I hope that I can wait until then.

I made it

So, I made it through my first week of work, but just barely!!  I was, and still am an absolute nervous-wreck about this job.  I feel like I totally don't know what I'm doing.  I know that's probably normal, since I'm not supposed to know what I'm doing.  I am really good with the interpersonal skills piece, and the management piece, but here's what I'm not good with.  I was sort of thrown to the wolves in terms of not being trained.  The person I replaced immediately took on her new job so she hasn't really had time to train me, which is understandable.  I just feel like I don't know how to structure my day.  I definitely don't know the computer systems, where all the people are, where they belong, what their schedules, where the different departments are within the organization, who the key players are, or even what I'm going to be rated on within 90 days.  I'm so freaked out that I'm not going to do a good job.  I guess I don't really have anything to lose though.  I'm still going to be maintaining my disability payments, which is a good thing.  So, if I'm fired, I'll still have that as a backup.  Do you think I'll get fired?  Part of me really believes that I will.  I don't know if that's my negative self-esteem kicking in or what.

I went in on Saturday to work on a project that I had promised myself I would finish on Friday.  Unfortunately I just had too many fires to put out on Friday.  So I went in this weekend and made a huge to-do list for Tuesday.  I felt good about getting the project done, and cleaning off my desk.  But now that I know that I have to go back to work tomorrow, I have the butterfly feeling back.  I think that it is partly a good feeling, but partly a really overwhelmed and just scared feeling.  I don't know how to combat it.  I hope that it will go away the longer that I work there.  I just don't know though.  Maybe knowledge is power and will breed confidence.  I certainly hope so.  I am trying to create a feng shui work environment.  I am also desperately trying to remember all of the people that I work with, but there are just too many-over 200!!  I can't possibly be expected to remember all of those names and faces, can I?  I also have the worst memory ever, because of the ECT.  It's going to take a lot of practice to get things back to normal I think and I've been working on it for over a year now.  I just wish I could stop shaking.

Things are better with the bf.  We are having more open communication which is good.  We've been seeing each other for two months now.  It seems like so much longer just because we've already said I love you, and we seem to know each other's darkest secrets, at least I hope that I know his darket secret!  Last night he met my parents and I think it went pretty well.  He is painfully shy, so he didn't talk too much, but when my parents asked him direct questions he answered pretty well, I think.  A few nights ago he told me that he wasn't dating just to date, he was dating because he wanted to get married.  And last night he said that he hated being apart from me-that he missed me when we weren't together.  My sister thinks he'll propose soon.  I don't really know how I feel about this.  I know that I miss him when we're not together too, and I wish we could be together all the time.  BUT-he's got this huge issue that needs to be totally taken care of before I think about the happily ever after part.  It's a dealbreaker, that's for sure.  Plus, I want to have all of my ducks in a row too.  I would be happy to be engaged now, but I wouldn't want to be married until my health was totally ok-meaning that I have to stop hearing voices first.  I have been hearing them for about two weeks now.  I am not sure if it's stress or what, but it's driving me crazy.  They aren't saying the bad things like they usually do, but still...it's unsettling.  I also want to be settled in my job before I get married.  Then again, I'm probably getting totally ahead of myself.  He probably doesn't even want to marry me.  We'll see I guess.

That's all for now. 

Feeling good and bad at the same time

I've had a bit of good news!!  I got a job!!  It's my first real job in over two years.  I'll be back in corporate America, managing people again.  I'll have my own office and an assistant!  I can hardly believe it. I'll be making money and contributing to society.  It hardly seems real.  Tomorrow is my first day.  I feel so excited but so nervous at the same time.  Will I do a good job?  Will I live up to the image I sold at the interview?  Will I be able to withstand the stress?  I think that is the most pressing question at the time, really.  It's going to be a big change from staying home all day, checking my email a million times, writing back and forth to my boyfriend, and going to therapy appointments and cleaning house.  I'm glad to be back out there, but what if the stress becomes too much and I relapse?  I don't think I'll be able to stand it if that happens.  I've gotten a lot of second chances at living in the last three years-I don't want to waste this chance.

On a sad and strange note, I'm not sure things are going too well with my boyfriend.  When I found out that I got the job on Thursday, I emailed him right away and I expected that he would call me that night and congratulate me and ask me detailed questions about what I would be doing, but nothing.  We talked on the phone the next night, but I was too chickensh** to say anything to him about my annoyance over the phone, so I emailed him when I got off.  That was Friday.  I haven't heard anything from him since.  Now it's Sunday and I start my new job tomorrow and I would have hoped that he would call me tonight to wish me luck, and nothing.  He's acting like a bas*****.  I thought he loved me?  Why is he behaving his way?  Am I overreacting?  I don't think so.  Maybe I am just hypersensitive though.  I don't know.

I think my meds are off.  I have been hearing voices and having almost out-of-body experiences lately.   I take loxapine (anti-psychotic) to help with hearing voices, but it hasn't been working the last few days.  I just hear screaming in my head and I can't shut it up.  The out-of-body experiences are weird too.  It feels like my head and hands are bigger than my body.  I can't stop those things either.  It's just so strange!  Plus, the Lamictal is making me very itchy and giving me a rash.  I need to be on the 200mg because it helps with the suicidal thoughts, but the side effects suck.

I sincerely hope that the happiness of the job will outweigh all of the other crappy things that are going on in my life.  I also hope that my bf doesn't end things with me.  He has a habit, he's told me, of freezing people out when things get bad.  I hope he's not doing that to me.

Relapse

It's been a crazy past couple of days, or at least that's what it feels like to me.  Over the weekend I was a nervous wreck.  I had to take some Ativan just to calm down and it helped a little, but not enough.  I have been terribly worried about money lately.  My disability is running out and with my insurance payments so high, I don't know how I'll make it.  I know I live with my parents and I shouldn't really have any expenses, but I do.  I pay for all my doctor bills, my massive amounts of meds, gas to get up to the city which is several times a week, and times out with my boyfriend.  It adds up really quickly.  I haven't been able to sleep much these last few days with these nagging money worries.  I'm just so terrified that I'll run out of money this month.  I called my credit card company and asked that they issue me a new CC since I cut my other one up when I became debt free.  I know it's not wise to get myself into the money trap again, but there are certain things that I just can't afford right now.  Plus, what if I have an emergency?  I can't rely on my parents, and I need to have a backup plan.  This is the best I can do for right now.

I was worried that my boyfriend would change his mind after our discussion on Friday about my bipolar disorder.  I sent him an email on Friday night after we saw each other, thanking him for being so understanding.  I didn't hear anything back.  So, my sister and I met up with him for dinner Saturday night.  He was affectionate-putting his arm around me and such, but otherwise I wasn't overly impressed with how dinner went.  I wasn't sure if it was because of me, or if it was him.  He didn't really talk much and I could feel that my sister was just intimidating him, which sucks!!  And, when the bill came he didn't even attempt to reach for it.  My sister took care of it and I later paid her back.  I was not impressed by that.  He should have at least tried to pay.  I guess it may have been because I invited him out and he pays for me every other time we go out?  I'm not sure.  So on Sunday morning, I emailed him and never heard anything back from him all day.  I was convinced it was over.  I even went to a dating site that I used to use!  Why I did that, I'll never know.  But, he called me on Sunday night.  Everything was fine.

We talked for a long time on Sunday night.  He wanted to talk more about my bipolar disorder.  I'm not ready to tell him the whole sordid truth-that I've been hospitalized three times in the last two years, that I have suicidal thoughts, that I've had ECT, that I have borderline personality disorder and that I'm a recovering alcoholic.  I feel like it's just too much for someone to take.  He told me I could tell him when I feel ready and that he would try and be as understanding as possible.  Then, out of nowhere he told me that he had a certain addiction problem.  I was shocked!  He seems so quiet and reserved-I never would have guessed this of him.  When I asked if he still did it, he said yes.  I felt sick to my stomach.  He was waiting on the other end of the line for me to say something, so I had to talk, and fast, so I thanked him for telling me.  I was trying to make sense of it in my head and I just couldn't.  I still can't.  I made him promise me that the next time he felt like he was slipping that he would call me instead of doing something.  He promised.  Then, before we hung up, we told each other I love you.

I have been questioning whether it is still ok for me to love him, in spite of what he told me.  I talked to my bff today and she told me that it says a lot about him that he trusted me enough to tell me his secret.  We both agreed that he really must love me.  She said that we're both coming to the relationship with baggage and that that is ok and that we both have to learn how to deal with each other's mental illnesses (mine basically) and addictions.  I agree with her.  I do love him and want to continue feeling this way, so I'll try to be understanding, just like he is of me and learn how to deal.

Finally, on Mother's Day my whole family was going to toast with champagne.  All I wanted was a sip.  I made a move like I was going for it and my sister and mom made a spectacle out of telling me no.  I immeadiately went to my room and cried.  I had to pull it together fast because we were going to have brunch and I didn't want to see how upset I was, but still, it was humiliating and embarassing to be told "no" like a child.  I am an adult and if I choose to have a small, sip of champagne that should be my own decision, right?  Later, when everyone was out of the house, I took the bottle and took a long drink of it.  In one moment I end a year+ of sobriety.  I felt stupid afterwards, but part of me felt good.  Like I asserted my independence and did something I wanted to do.  I know now that it was probably wrong.  I'll have to work extra hard to make sure that it doesn't happen again.